People keep telling me to stop viewing happiness as a destination that I need to get to. “Be happy with what you have in the now, and everything else will fall into place.”
I bet anyone who has read even a sentence of any other post I’ve made can know without me having to tell you that I think this is bullshit.
I do not HAVE to like things as they are right now. I don’t have to FORCE myself to feel a feeling that I’m not feeling.
But on the same note, that doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful. That my unhappiness with things can’t fuel my drive to get myself to a place where I am happy. That I’m not trying my damnedest to think positively about the way things are or are going to be.
Things don’t just magically work how you want them to work because you try to trick yourself into being happy with all the shit that gets thrown your way. You can go into a situation with the most positive of attitudes and realize that you were an idiot and that everything is terrible. You can go into a situation with a complete shit attitude and come out realizing that you were an idiot because everything is great now.
Life is unpredictable, and too short to stay in a situation trying to force yourself to be happy about it when you just aren’t.
And maybe this is just my inner, currently very discouraged self talking…and I say CURRENTLY because I am working hard to get out of this mindset. Toward the destination that people tell me shouldn’t be considered a destination, I guess.
Every single one of us has had a long-term relationship that ended recently and we aren’t happy about it.
Everyone has this bad attitude about dating because they were “fucked over” in their last relationship.
Everyone who has that bad attitude thinks that it’s okay to treat other people like trash because of how they were treated in their past relationship. Or at least, that’s how they feel that they were treated.
So it ruins everyone for an undetermined period of time. People act in self-destructive ways. Or sometimes people just plain play games with each other.
I hate it so much. I hate games. I hate not being straightforward. I hate not knowing what is going through a person’s head when they are acting so all over the place with their feelings.
I just want someone to act toward me the way that I act toward them and it’s not fair.
Sometimes I have fun with where I’m at in life. Other times I want to fast forward to the part of my life where I am settled down. Tonight is one of those other times.
How am I supposed to have faith that people are good when they just keep proving me wrong all the time?
I have major trust issues, because if you can’t trust a person who you were with for years and building a life with, you sure as fuck can’t trust a lot of people. But now someone has come along who is half changing that.
One of my best friends got married last night and this guy I’ve been hanging out with drove 40 minutes up to the wedding venue at midnight to pick me up, hung out with my friends and I, and got a hotel room with me.
I can tell you with absolute certainty that my ex would have NEVER done that. He would have complained about even having to come to the wedding with me. He would have never been willing to drive up after and hang out with me if he hadn’t been there in the first place.
It’s just crazy to me that someone who I’m not even in a relationship with would do that when my ex wouldn’t have. I’m like in awe. Especially because recently I’ve been really questioning whether or not he’s even into me at all and I feel like I have the answer to that question now haha.
I still don’t want to go getting my hopes up about anything, but they’re getting a tad elevated in regards to this situation. I haven’t had a guy do something that made me that happy in a long time, and although I don’t want my happiness depending on the actions of another person, it was nice to feel that again and I kind of hope it keeps happening for at least a little while.
Being alone sucks sometimes.
I’m usually content to be at home chilling by myself. These last couple of days have been different, though.
I feel like everyone around me has a person that they can be with in times like this and I don’t. And every time I think I’ve found a person who might be that person for me, it never seems to work out. I hate getting my hopes up like that.
Maybe it has to do with other emotions I’m feeling. I’m not happy with some things that happened earlier this week, and I’m confused about some other things going on in my life, too. But I’m hoping things get better and it passes soon.
Since my break-up I’ve really learned the meaning of the term “old habits die hard”.
I saw an old friend of Mike’s at the bar the other night and she came up to me and asked about the break-up and how I was doing. We hadn’t hung out with her in a couple years, at least since Mike graduated (she had been a classmate of his). After we chatted for a while and went our separate ways, I immediately got my phone out to text Mike saying, “Hey, guess who I just saw at the bar?”
Of course I stopped myself before I even typed his name into my phone. But it really hit me that he’s still that person for me. The first person I want to text when something good happens. The first person I want to tell things to. This one impulsive moment really made me realize that after four and a half years, I was still in this weird habit where he’s my number one go-to, even though he’s completely removed himself from my life.
It makes me wonder if he has moments like those, ya know?
And it’s weird, because I really don’t want to be with him like that. I really have moved on from that relationship and want a fresh start. But yet these little moments are still happening every once in a while.
I guess I’m probably just still healing from it all. I probably shouldn’t overthink stuff like this and just let things run their course. But of course, that’s easier said than done, I suppose.
I think that my general aversion to relationships is more than a choice. I think I’m honestly not capable of feeling anything for anybody right now.
I’ve always been one to fall hard and fast for guys. Hence why this is the longest that I’ve been single since I was 16. But I haven’t felt a damn thing for anyone this whole time, and it’s not because I haven’t been giving myself the opportunity to. In fact, I’ve had a lot of opportunities to.
What I’ve been doing definitely, DEFINITELY isn’t what I’d call “dating”. But I’ve been hanging out with guys. In fact, I’m currently spending considerable time with one of said guys. And we’re hitting it off, at least I think…
Well, I guess it’s still early. So maybe it’s all in my mind.
But anyway, normally in this situation I’d be starting to fall for him…but I’m just not. I love hanging out with him and spending time together. But it feels like a friendship with certain…added benefits, we’ll say…yet I don’t feel like that about him. You know?
And I’ve just never been like this before. I’m super aware that I’m different than how I used to be and that I’m changing still. And it isn’t a bad thing because I’m honestly 100% content with everything in my life right now and quite happy with everything. It’s just…weird. Real weird.
Well I should probably get back to completing my second-to-last assignment of the semester. Peace y’all.