Every single one of us has had a long-term relationship that ended recently and we aren’t happy about it.
Everyone has this bad attitude about dating because they were “fucked over” in their last relationship.
Everyone who has that bad attitude thinks that it’s okay to treat other people like trash because of how they were treated in their past relationship. Or at least, that’s how they feel that they were treated.
So it ruins everyone for an undetermined period of time. People act in self-destructive ways. Or sometimes people just plain play games with each other.
I hate it so much. I hate games. I hate not being straightforward. I hate not knowing what is going through a person’s head when they are acting so all over the place with their feelings.
I just want someone to act toward me the way that I act toward them and it’s not fair.
I have major trust issues, because if you can’t trust a person who you were with for years and building a life with, you sure as fuck can’t trust a lot of people. But now someone has come along who is half changing that.
One of my best friends got married last night and this guy I’ve been hanging out with drove 40 minutes up to the wedding venue at midnight to pick me up, hung out with my friends and I, and got a hotel room with me.
I can tell you with absolute certainty that my ex would have NEVER done that. He would have complained about even having to come to the wedding with me. He would have never been willing to drive up after and hang out with me if he hadn’t been there in the first place.
It’s just crazy to me that someone who I’m not even in a relationship with would do that when my ex wouldn’t have. I’m like in awe. Especially because recently I’ve been really questioning whether or not he’s even into me at all and I feel like I have the answer to that question now haha.
I still don’t want to go getting my hopes up about anything, but they’re getting a tad elevated in regards to this situation. I haven’t had a guy do something that made me that happy in a long time, and although I don’t want my happiness depending on the actions of another person, it was nice to feel that again and I kind of hope it keeps happening for at least a little while.
Since my break-up I’ve really learned the meaning of the term “old habits die hard”.
I saw an old friend of Mike’s at the bar the other night and she came up to me and asked about the break-up and how I was doing. We hadn’t hung out with her in a couple years, at least since Mike graduated (she had been a classmate of his). After we chatted for a while and went our separate ways, I immediately got my phone out to text Mike saying, “Hey, guess who I just saw at the bar?”
Of course I stopped myself before I even typed his name into my phone. But it really hit me that he’s still that person for me. The first person I want to text when something good happens. The first person I want to tell things to. This one impulsive moment really made me realize that after four and a half years, I was still in this weird habit where he’s my number one go-to, even though he’s completely removed himself from my life.
It makes me wonder if he has moments like those, ya know?
And it’s weird, because I really don’t want to be with him like that. I really have moved on from that relationship and want a fresh start. But yet these little moments are still happening every once in a while.
I guess I’m probably just still healing from it all. I probably shouldn’t overthink stuff like this and just let things run their course. But of course, that’s easier said than done, I suppose.
I think that my general aversion to relationships is more than a choice. I think I’m honestly not capable of feeling anything for anybody right now.
I’ve always been one to fall hard and fast for guys. Hence why this is the longest that I’ve been single since I was 16. But I haven’t felt a damn thing for anyone this whole time, and it’s not because I haven’t been giving myself the opportunity to. In fact, I’ve had a lot of opportunities to.
What I’ve been doing definitely, DEFINITELY isn’t what I’d call “dating”. But I’ve been hanging out with guys. In fact, I’m currently spending considerable time with one of said guys. And we’re hitting it off, at least I think…
Well, I guess it’s still early. So maybe it’s all in my mind.
But anyway, normally in this situation I’d be starting to fall for him…but I’m just not. I love hanging out with him and spending time together. But it feels like a friendship with certain…added benefits, we’ll say…yet I don’t feel like that about him. You know?
And I’ve just never been like this before. I’m super aware that I’m different than how I used to be and that I’m changing still. And it isn’t a bad thing because I’m honestly 100% content with everything in my life right now and quite happy with everything. It’s just…weird. Real weird.
Well I should probably get back to completing my second-to-last assignment of the semester. Peace y’all.
So here’s what’s been happening since January:
I’m still single and I still like it that way because I still don’t want a relationship. Everything’s chill. Although I’ve been chatting it up with a couple of guys. We’ll see what happens with that.
I got awarded another graduate assistantship for next year! Which means my tuition is covered and I will be making money! And it also means that I have now had at least one stroke of luck, so things may be looking up for me!
I’m going to Firefly Music Festival and Mo Pop Music Festival this summer! I’ve been trying to go to Firefly for YEARS, and I finally convinced one of my friends to go with me! I can’t wait!
My kitten turned a year old! He’s still an asshole though so don’t get too excited. I also bought a laser pointer. I had never tried using one to play with the cats before and it’s crazy how much they love it!
School has been fucking insane this semester. I’m glad that there is only one week left not including finals because I’m about over it!
If you want to see an accurate depiction of my life click here
And that’s about how my brain is functioning this semester.
I might get a nannying job for a little baby this summer! I love babies and this one seems like he’s pretty easy so I’m excited if it all works out!
And that’s about it. Things are good. I’m hoping that will all my fun plans this summer they get even better, and I even think that I’ll be making even more plans as time goes on! We will see.
But for now, back to finishing my four assignments that are all due on Tuesday of next week…
So clearly after 4.5 years of being with someone, you’re going to feel weird when you break up. Its going to be cray. You’re going to have mixed emotions. But eventually, you’ll feel normal again and things will get better, right?
Well it isn’t that simple when you have yet to go more than 5 days without talking to him and then he hits you up because you got a bunch of mail at his house so he wants to come deliver it to you and see the cats.
I mean, I want my mail, so I have to see him anyway. And it isn’t like I hate him or anything. But damn, I feel like I just need a few weeks without hearing from him so I can get used to life without him and start feeling normal again.
Then again, I’m probably really not going about trying to get over him appropriately anyway, since it mostly involves trying to rebound but not actually wanting anything serious out of it. And also alcohol. It involves alcohol, too.
UHG BUT ANYWAY sorry for yet another diary entry, and also sorry that this blog has like no substance or good content lately. I just am trying to live life and adjust to new things and what not.
Well anyway hopefully things get less weird.
The look people give me whenever I talk about my break up/living by myself now/having two cats is getting to be pretty fucking old already. Like they think that my life is a sad joke or something. Which okay, yeah, it is.
No, I’m not happy right now. I’m sad about my break up. I’m lonely. I miss having that connection with someone. Life is hard.
But why is there this unwritten rule that we can only be happy if we are in a relationship or engaged or married or having a baby? Why can’t I learn to be content and happy with being on my own with my cats? Why can’t other people celebrate with me once I learn to be me without my name attached to another person?
Because even though I feel sad, that doesn’t mean that you have to pity me. To think that I’m unhappy because I’m a lonely cat lady. I’m not necessarily unhappy. Change is hard and my new status is hard and I am sad, but I’m not unhappy and hating my life.
There are days that are hard and there are days that I could use more support and there are days when I’m sad and I have a difficult go, but that doesn’t mean that it’s necessary for you to pity me and look at me like I’m such a sad girl.
Things will get better if given time, I know it.