Tag: single

You’d think it’d be easier at this point.

Since my break-up I’ve really learned the meaning of the term “old habits die hard”.

I saw an old friend of Mike’s at the bar the other night and she came up to me and asked about the break-up and how I was doing. We hadn’t hung out with her in a couple years, at least since Mike graduated (she had been a classmate of his). After we chatted for a while and went our separate ways, I immediately got my phone out to text Mike saying, “Hey, guess who I just saw at the bar?”

Of course I stopped myself before I even typed his name into my phone. But it really hit me that he’s still that person for me. The first person I want to text when something good happens. The first person I want to tell things to. This one impulsive moment really made me realize that after four and a half years, I was still in this weird habit where he’s my number one go-to, even though he’s completely removed himself from my life.

It makes me wonder if he has moments like those, ya know?

And it’s weird, because I really don’t want to be with him like that. I really have moved on from that relationship and want a fresh start. But yet these little moments are still happening every once in a while.

I guess I’m probably just still healing from it all. I probably shouldn’t overthink stuff like this and just let things run their course. But of course, that’s easier said than done, I suppose.

-Jessica

Weird/this blog might be my diary

I think that my general aversion to relationships is more than a choice. I think I’m honestly not capable of feeling anything for anybody right now.

 

I’ve always been one to fall hard and fast for guys. Hence why this is the longest that I’ve been single since I was 16. But I haven’t felt a damn thing for anyone this whole time, and it’s not because I haven’t been giving myself the opportunity to. In fact, I’ve had a lot of opportunities to.

What I’ve been doing definitely, DEFINITELY isn’t what I’d call “dating”. But I’ve been hanging out with guys. In fact, I’m currently spending considerable time with one of said guys. And we’re hitting it off, at least I think…

Well, I guess it’s still early. So maybe it’s all in my mind.

But anyway, normally in this situation I’d be starting to fall for him…but I’m just not. I love hanging out with him and spending time together. But it feels like a friendship with certain…added benefits, we’ll say…yet I don’t feel like that about him. You know?

And I’ve just never been like this before. I’m super aware that I’m different than how I used to be and that I’m changing still. And it isn’t a bad thing because I’m honestly 100% content with everything in my life right now and quite happy with everything. It’s just…weird. Real weird.

Well I should probably get back to completing my second-to-last assignment of the semester. Peace y’all.

– Jessica

Life Update

So here’s what’s been happening since January:

I’m still single and I still like it that way because I still don’t want a relationship. Everything’s chill. Although I’ve been chatting it up with a couple of guys. We’ll see what happens with that.

I got awarded another graduate assistantship for next year! Which means my tuition is covered and I will be making money! And it also means that I have now had at least one stroke of luck, so things may be looking up for me!

I’m going to Firefly Music Festival and Mo Pop Music Festival this summer! I’ve been trying to go to Firefly for YEARS, and I finally convinced one of my friends to go with me! I can’t wait!

My kitten turned a year old! He’s still an asshole though so don’t get too excited. I also bought a laser pointer. I had never tried using one to play with the cats before and it’s crazy how much they love it!

School has been fucking insane this semester. I’m glad that there is only one week left not including finals because I’m about over it!

If you want to see an accurate depiction of my life click here

And that’s about how my brain is functioning this semester.

I might get a nannying job for a little baby this summer! I love babies and this one seems like he’s pretty easy so I’m excited if it all works out!

And that’s about it. Things are good. I’m hoping that will all my fun plans this summer they get even better, and I even think that I’ll be making even more plans as time goes on! We will see.

But for now, back to finishing my four assignments that are all due on Tuesday of next week…

-Jessica

When your ex kind of wants to hang out

So clearly after 4.5 years of being with someone, you’re going to feel weird when you break up. Its going to be cray. You’re going to have mixed emotions. But eventually, you’ll feel normal again and things will get better, right?

Well it isn’t that simple when you have yet to go more than 5 days without talking to him and then he hits you up because you got a bunch of mail at his house so he wants to come deliver it to you and see the cats.

I mean, I want my mail, so I have to see him anyway. And it isn’t like I hate him or anything. But damn, I feel like I just need a few weeks without hearing from him so I can get used to life without him and start feeling normal again.

Then again, I’m probably really not going about trying to get over him appropriately anyway, since it mostly involves trying to rebound but not actually wanting anything serious out of it. And also alcohol. It involves alcohol, too.

UHG BUT ANYWAY sorry for yet another diary entry, and also sorry that this blog has like no substance or good content lately. I just am trying to live life and adjust to new things and what not.

Well anyway hopefully things get less weird.

Peace –

Jessica

This is getting old

The look people give me whenever I talk about my break up/living by myself now/having two cats is getting to be pretty fucking old already. Like they think that my life is a sad joke or something. Which okay, yeah, it is.

No, I’m not happy right now. I’m sad about my break up. I’m lonely. I miss having that connection with someone. Life is hard.

But why is there this unwritten rule that we can only be happy if we are in a relationship or engaged or married or having a baby? Why can’t I learn to be content and happy with being on my own with my cats? Why can’t other people celebrate with me once I learn to be me without my name attached to another person? 

Because even though I feel sad, that doesn’t mean that you have to pity me. To think that I’m unhappy because I’m a lonely cat lady. I’m not necessarily unhappy. Change is hard and my new status is hard and I am sad, but I’m not unhappy and hating my life.

There are days that are hard and there are days that I could use more support and there are days when I’m sad and I have a difficult go, but that doesn’t mean that it’s necessary for you to pity me and look at me like I’m such a sad girl. 

Things will get better if given time, I know it.

-Jessica

The first drunken mishap of my single life, and also me using my blog as a diary because feelings

Do you ever do nothing wrong but still feel like you did?

Because that’s my life right now.

So a little piece of info about the events leading up to why my most recent relationship ended and a fun story from my latest drunken adventures:

I recently became BFF’s with this girl Ang I worked with at my last job. She’s literally my favorite human.

Her fiance’s best friend is obsessed with me and he stole a kiss from me while I was blackout drunk a few months back. Ever since then he thinks he can date me or what not. Ya know, typical weird controlling guy stuff that women have to deal with all the time. So anyway he is constantly asking me out on dates, trying to get me to hook up with him, etc. Even while I was still in a relationship (clearly since he kissed me after knowing that I had a boyfriend he doesn’t really have a good grasp regarding boundaries). Its honestly gotten to a point where his actions boarder on harassment and I’m getting really annoyed by it. I told my boyfriend right after I found out that it had happened because I was always terrible at keeping things from him and I wanted him to know what had happened. We worked through it at the time but it was ultimately a factor in our relationship ending.

So anyway, part two of the story: we’ve all been keeping the fact that I’m now single from this guy. I even lied to him and said that my boyfriend and I are doing well last time I saw him. Whoops.

Well, flash forward to last night. I go out with my girl Ang and all her and her fiance’s friends like I always do. Its a zombie bar crawl so its a pretty fun time and what not. Said guy who is obsessed with me is there, among other people.

Well after lying to obsessed guy and saying I was still in a relationship, I decided to have one too many jack and cokes and end up hitting it off with one of their other friends and making out with him.

Obsessed guy is now pissed.

So I feel bad about that and bad that not even two weeks after ending my last relationship I’m out making out with dudes at bars. Even though I’m single and nobody owns me and I can do what I want with my own self and body.

I also feel bad because I need, NEED to be doing shit for school right now and I was doing such a great job at controlling myself last night until the last couple of hours that we were out and now I’m hungover today and am basically a clout on society. However I did bring my study materials into my bed so once I have finally mustered up the motivation to use them I will be golden.

So anyway, thanks for listening about my life. Hopefully I don’t continue to make poor choices in the future and don’t feel as bad about it if I do.

Peace.

-Jessica