Tag: ex-boyfriend

Hate and Hurt Part 2

This post was meant for it’s debut weeks ago, but as is my life, things don’t always happen how I plan them to happen.

The most popular topic of whatever this blog may be thus far, AKA my ex, still haunts me even almost two years later.

Like I eluded to in my previous post, I think that a negative event happening in your life can effect your feelings toward other events that might otherwise not be a huge deal. Although, even without a death in my family, I feel like I might still make a bigger deal out of this whole situation than it deserves the attention of. But who knows.

Before I start hashing out all the feelings, be warned that this post is largely going to go over things that I feel like I’ve mentioned before. If you’re thinking, “why is dis bitch still obsessing over her ex like two years later? get over it gurl!” I highly advise leaving this page now. Related to this, although I don’t know how much truth there is to this, I have read a lot of  (likely nonscientific) articles and seen statistics such as it takes 18 months to recover from a break-up. I have also seen this “equation” thrown around in several articles that I’ve come across, basically stating that it takes half of the time that you dated a person to get over them after a breakup. So the 4.5 years I spent with my ex would, by these standards, equate to 2.25 years of getting over him, which to be fair, I have not reached yet. My point is that if these articles have any truth behind them, it takes a long ass time to get over a break up. So in my head that kind of justifies my kind of overbearing thoughts of my ex that are still happening.

From what I have gathered from what borders near-excessive creeping but I could also have gathered equally as quickly if I had just scrolled through Facebook (due to my ex and I still having mutual social media friends), my ex is getting married soon. I don’t know an exact date, but I can gather that it’s happening before we ring in 2019. And to his co-worker, who he was “Facebook official”-ly in a relationship with less than three months after we broke up and I moved out of his house. And, quite frankly, I hate him for it.

My ex was, and is, someone I love deeply. There has never been a person who I felt as strongly about as I did/do feel about my ex. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever in my life had to do by choice, and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t wish I could go back and figure out what to change to make it so that we worked out. But the fact of the matter is that we didn’t work out and that he is getting married to someone who he clearly must really love and I am here on my own left wondering when I’ll get to have something like that.

I don’t think I’ve ever admitted out loud to any of my friends the fact that I still love my ex. I feel like they’d roll their eyes or tell me I was being dumb or something. But I really, truly, still fucking love this man, and I would do anything to make it stop, because it fucking hurts to love someone you can’t have. Do I think that breaking up with him was a mistake? Not necessarily. I think that our relationship was damaged beyond repair and that sometimes what is good for you can hurt. But that doesn’t mean you stop loving someone.

I’m also in this place where, not only are we not together and not only is he getting married to someone else, but every fucking time there has been a glimmer of hope that someone was going to come along and “make me realize why it didn’t work out with anybody else” (him), as the quote goes(ish), I just end up sad and disappointed and longing to feel that love again.

It’s so stupid, but all I want to do is to tell him how I feel. I want him to know. It would help nothing at all and I don’t know why the urge is so strong to do so, but I seriously really feel like I need to tell him how I’m feeling. Although, there is a chance that that’s just the glass of wine I’ve consumed talking.

All I can say is, that I hope this “formula”, this equation for time spent getting over a breakup, is correct in the sense that I only have 4 more months left of feeling like this.

– Jessica

 

 

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Ruined Progress

I know everyone is probably tired of hearing me talk about my ex. Hell, I’m fucking tired of hearing me talk about my ex. I’m tired of thinking about him, feeling things about him…just fucking tired.

I was getting better. I got to this point where I didn’t really care anymore. Where I didn’t feel the need anymore to glance around at his Facebook profile when his friends would tag him in something. Finding out that he’s engaged now was enough for me to throw in the towel on my creeping for all of eternity.

Until he contacted me.

Let me just go off on a tangent for a minute and say that the State of Michigan is a fucking joke. I have had two other addresses since I lived at his place. I have gone through the tedious experience that is standing in a long ass line out the door thirty minutes before the Secretary of State office opens to change my permanent address both times. Yet for some fucking reason, they send my new license plate tabs to my fucking ex’s house where I haven’t lived in over a year.

So he texted me. Which, good for him for letting me know where they were, because I was getting worried. He also said he had some shit around that was mine still and asked if I wanted it back (which, fucking duh, dude).

So I went there. On my birthday, no less. And I saw him, in person, and talked to him, for the first time in over a year. It was short and cordial, no small talk or anything (side note: he also did not wish me a happy birthday, even though he clearly had to know it was my birthday since he celebrated four of them with me), only lasted long enough for him to hand me my shit and for me to leave.

And it fucking hurt, y’all. It really fucking hurts.

I’m so angry at everything right now. How can it be fair that I end things because I’m not being treated very nicely, and I’m still here, unable to fully move on and feel for anyone else what I felt for him, yet he fucking gets to feel all this happiness? This is just a fucking testimony to what I had always feared to be true: I am the one who felt and who loved and who cared the deepest, while, even if he didn’t realize it or whatever at the time, I was just some placeholder until something better came along. And that’s who I am for every fucking guy who I get with. Just something to keep around until they’re bored or they find someone who they like more. And how can you not even want to have a conversation with me? Know how I’m doing? Idk man.

And I really don’t even care that he’s happy. And it’s not that I’m not in general content with my life. That’s not any of it. But it isn’t fair that he doesn’t have to wonder anymore and that I do. All I know is that I haven’t met “the one” yet. I don’t know when/if/how I will meet him. I have all this wondering to do.

I hear all of these people telling me “once you stop looking, it’ll happen!” Yet, I was never looking, I’m not looking at all now, and it definitely hasn’t happened. Not that I’m itching to jump into another relationship right now. But I just wish I could know when this bullshit emotional roller coaster is going to end and when I’m going to meet the one who will make me move the fuck on, or if I’m not going to meet him, just know when I’m going to stop giving a shit.

Stay tuned, I guess.

-Jessica

The First Hiccup of 2018

I haven’t had any contact with my ex in nearly a year. Once he hurried into a new relationship, it wasn’t long before I was completely unfriended on every form of social media. However, I’m still friends with the majority of his friends on Facebook, Snapchat, etc. So I see things about him every once in a while.

Well, last night, I accidentally stumbled upon something that part of me wishes I hadn’t, but part of me is glad to know: he’s engaged. He has in fact been engaged for months now. It happened that fast.

Part of me is asking a million questions in my head. Why so fast? Why so willing to spend forever with her when he made excuses to delay that step with me? What’s so good about her that made this such a quick and easy choice for him? And so on.

Part of me thinks that my stumbling upon this discovery was no accident. Maybe there is a reason I found this, that something in the universe knew that this is something that I needed in order to really know that him and I are a thing of the past. Not that I was blissfully unaware of this fact before or hoping he would come back to me or anything like that. Just like…it makes me a little mad. Mad that he couldn’t care about me the way he does her when that’s all I so desperately wanted in our relationship. It makes me mad enough to never want to accidentally stumble upon anything about him or her ever again.

He has every right to move on and be happy, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not going to sit here and pretend like this doesn’t fucking hurt. Seeing this person who you really care about, who you would 100% still be with if you hadn’t been miserable, just latch on to another person so quickly and care about them in ways that you had longed for so badly from them, it feels shitty. It makes me feel like he was dishonest and that he knew he was wasting my fucking time, no matter how irrational that is.

I slept like shit after I found out last night, and honestly, I am anticipating a similar evening tonight. But we’ll see.

Other than this, though, 2018 has actually been treating me well so far. I’m trying to change my attitude a little bit and remember that it’s early in the year, and that one bad thing this early on won’t make or break anything. We’ll see how things progress.

Stay tuned.

-Jessica

Endings

Dear Mike,

I’m having an incredibly hard time not hating you right now. However, I realize that you have a life that I’m just not a part of anymore, and I accept that as much as I can bring myself to right now.

You were great for a lot of reasons. You always made me laugh. You cooked awesome meals. You’re incredibly attractive. We were on the same page about a lot of stuff.

But those are just surface things that don’t really help a relationship.

For all those things that we were on the same page about, there’s a long, long list of things that we weren’t.

You took out all your negative emotions on me every. single. fucking. time. Never on the people who actually made you feel that way. Never on the things that made you upset that I had zero fucking control over. Always on me. You’re just like my dad in that way and you and I both know that that just doesn’t fucking fly with me.

Every single “compromise” that we came to was blatantly one-sided. I’m not going to sit here and try to say that you never gave me anything that I wanted and never listened to my opinion because that just wouldn’t be true. But it was never, EVER about what I wanted unless you wanted it too. As soon as we disagreed, you’re the one who always got your way. I guess that’s my fault for loving you enough to allow that shit.

And then you lied to me. After I came clean about my shit to you. That’s the first thing that really hurt.

And then, after all is said and done, I find out that you have a new girlfriend after less than THREE FUCKING MONTHS. I’m fucking pissed. Pissed because of the history that I know you have with her. Pissed because from what I’m seeing on social media, your friends seem to think that she’s been in your life for quite some time, although I’ve only been out of it for what seems like minutes to me. And they seem to love her when I feel like they just thought I was kind of a bitch, even though I’m sorry, but I had pretty good reason to be at times.

I think  the part that hurts me the most is that this just solidifies everything that I was so worried about throughout the last leg of our relationship. With some of your actions it just didn’t really seem like you cared as much as I did. Like maybe you didn’t love me as much as I loved you. And I’m not accusing you of hurting me on purpose or leading me on. I honestly think that you thought you loved me as much as I did you. But I don’t see how that can be true when the thought of being in a relationship with someone else right now sounds so unappetizing to me and here you are moved on and happy.

But you know what? Thank you. Thank you for making me truly realize that you can’t change people. That no matter what you do, or what the situation is, it just doesn’t happen. Thank you for teaching me to recognize the signs when someone doesn’t value you in the same way that you value them.

I know I made mistakes too. That I didn’t do things as well as I should have. I truly do know that I also fucked up in different ways than you and that those ways were not okay, either. And for that I truly am sorry. But it doesn’t make anything that you did or didn’t do any better. It excuses nothing.

If there is one hope I have for you, it’s that you’ve learned something through this. That it’s changed your behavior for the better. That you’ve learned what love truly feels like and how to give someone that love the way that they deserve to be given it. That you don’t do to her what you did to me, even though I hate the history that you two have together and that she was one of the reasons that our relationship fell through.

And honestly, I do hope you’re happy. But I only hope that because I want to be happy too one day and wishing sadness on others is both bad karma and a little too spiteful for me.

But just know that you really hurt me and I hope that if our relationship meant anything at all to you, that you feel at least somewhat responsible for the broken mess that I am right now.

There’s one more thing I want you to know, and that’s how fucking hard it is to deal with this alone. How fucking hard it is to be alone in general, actually. Because after moving on in less than three months I can fucking tell you that you don’t know shit about what this is like. I guess something else that I’m mad about is that I don’t think that’s fair. But I also guess that life isn’t fucking fair, so that’s fitting.

So anyway, have a great life. Have those two kids (and no more than two) that you want so badly and settle down with this new girl if it works out like that. I’ll just be over here hoping that the same thing happens to me when the time is right.

Bye forever,

Jess

When your ex kind of wants to hang out

So clearly after 4.5 years of being with someone, you’re going to feel weird when you break up. Its going to be cray. You’re going to have mixed emotions. But eventually, you’ll feel normal again and things will get better, right?

Well it isn’t that simple when you have yet to go more than 5 days without talking to him and then he hits you up because you got a bunch of mail at his house so he wants to come deliver it to you and see the cats.

I mean, I want my mail, so I have to see him anyway. And it isn’t like I hate him or anything. But damn, I feel like I just need a few weeks without hearing from him so I can get used to life without him and start feeling normal again.

Then again, I’m probably really not going about trying to get over him appropriately anyway, since it mostly involves trying to rebound but not actually wanting anything serious out of it. And also alcohol. It involves alcohol, too.

UHG BUT ANYWAY sorry for yet another diary entry, and also sorry that this blog has like no substance or good content lately. I just am trying to live life and adjust to new things and what not.

Well anyway hopefully things get less weird.

Peace –

Jessica

Update:

I got approved for an apartment!

Now I can move out of my ex-boyfriend’s house!

Which, by the way, is apparently has asbestos. This is just one small example about how my life is a joke. Stay tuned for many  more!

I’m also drinking wine and trying to study right now. Mostly drinking wine.

Said ex-boyfriend accused me of only wanting to move into this particular apartment because there is a Dairy Queen across the street from it. You can tell that we dated for nearly all of my adult life so far because he isn’t wrong. Ice cream is my fucking livelihood.

Well anyway, just thought I’d share my news with y’all. I need to get back to my (lack thereof) studying right now.

-Jessica