This post was meant for it’s debut weeks ago, but as is my life, things don’t always happen how I plan them to happen.
The most popular topic of whatever this blog may be thus far, AKA my ex, still haunts me even almost two years later.
Like I eluded to in my previous post, I think that a negative event happening in your life can effect your feelings toward other events that might otherwise not be a huge deal. Although, even without a death in my family, I feel like I might still make a bigger deal out of this whole situation than it deserves the attention of. But who knows.
Before I start hashing out all the feelings, be warned that this post is largely going to go over things that I feel like I’ve mentioned before. If you’re thinking, “why is dis bitch still obsessing over her ex like two years later? get over it gurl!” I highly advise leaving this page now. Related to this, although I don’t know how much truth there is to this, I have read a lot of (likely nonscientific) articles and seen statistics such as it takes 18 months to recover from a break-up. I have also seen this “equation” thrown around in several articles that I’ve come across, basically stating that it takes half of the time that you dated a person to get over them after a breakup. So the 4.5 years I spent with my ex would, by these standards, equate to 2.25 years of getting over him, which to be fair, I have not reached yet. My point is that if these articles have any truth behind them, it takes a long ass time to get over a break up. So in my head that kind of justifies my kind of overbearing thoughts of my ex that are still happening.
From what I have gathered from what borders near-excessive creeping but I could also have gathered equally as quickly if I had just scrolled through Facebook (due to my ex and I still having mutual social media friends), my ex is getting married soon. I don’t know an exact date, but I can gather that it’s happening before we ring in 2019. And to his co-worker, who he was “Facebook official”-ly in a relationship with less than three months after we broke up and I moved out of his house. And, quite frankly, I hate him for it.
My ex was, and is, someone I love deeply. There has never been a person who I felt as strongly about as I did/do feel about my ex. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever in my life had to do by choice, and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t wish I could go back and figure out what to change to make it so that we worked out. But the fact of the matter is that we didn’t work out and that he is getting married to someone who he clearly must really love and I am here on my own left wondering when I’ll get to have something like that.
I don’t think I’ve ever admitted out loud to any of my friends the fact that I still love my ex. I feel like they’d roll their eyes or tell me I was being dumb or something. But I really, truly, still fucking love this man, and I would do anything to make it stop, because it fucking hurts to love someone you can’t have. Do I think that breaking up with him was a mistake? Not necessarily. I think that our relationship was damaged beyond repair and that sometimes what is good for you can hurt. But that doesn’t mean you stop loving someone.
I’m also in this place where, not only are we not together and not only is he getting married to someone else, but every fucking time there has been a glimmer of hope that someone was going to come along and “make me realize why it didn’t work out with anybody else” (him), as the quote goes(ish), I just end up sad and disappointed and longing to feel that love again.
It’s so stupid, but all I want to do is to tell him how I feel. I want him to know. It would help nothing at all and I don’t know why the urge is so strong to do so, but I seriously really feel like I need to tell him how I’m feeling. Although, there is a chance that that’s just the glass of wine I’ve consumed talking.
All I can say is, that I hope this “formula”, this equation for time spent getting over a breakup, is correct in the sense that I only have 4 more months left of feeling like this.