Tag: hate

Endings

Dear Mike,

I’m having an incredibly hard time not hating you right now. However, I realize that you have a life that I’m just not a part of anymore, and I accept that as much as I can bring myself to right now.

You were great for a lot of reasons. You always made me laugh. You cooked awesome meals. You’re incredibly attractive. We were on the same page about a lot of stuff.

But those are just surface things that don’t really help a relationship.

For all those things that we were on the same page about, there’s a long, long list of things that we weren’t.

You took out all your negative emotions on me every. single. fucking. time. Never on the people who actually made you feel that way. Never on the things that made you upset that I had zero fucking control over. Always on me. You’re just like my dad in that way and you and I both know that that just doesn’t fucking fly with me.

Every single “compromise” that we came to was blatantly one-sided. I’m not going to sit here and try to say that you never gave me anything that I wanted and never listened to my opinion because that just wouldn’t be true. But it was never, EVER about what I wanted unless you wanted it too. As soon as we disagreed, you’re the one who always got your way. I guess that’s my fault for loving you enough to allow that shit.

And then you lied to me. After I came clean about my shit to you. That’s the first thing that really hurt.

And then, after all is said and done, I find out that you have a new girlfriend after less than THREE FUCKING MONTHS. I’m fucking pissed. Pissed because of the history that I know you have with her. Pissed because from what I’m seeing on social media, your friends seem to think that she’s been in your life for quite some time, although I’ve only been out of it for what seems like minutes to me. And they seem to love her when I feel like they just thought I was kind of a bitch, even though I’m sorry, but I had pretty good reason to be at times.

I think ┬áthe part that hurts me the most is that this just solidifies everything that I was so worried about throughout the last leg of our relationship. With some of your actions it just didn’t really seem like you cared as much as I did. Like maybe you didn’t love me as much as I loved you. And I’m not accusing you of hurting me on purpose or leading me on. I honestly think that you thought you loved me as much as I did you. But I don’t see how that can be true when the thought of being in a relationship with someone else right now sounds so unappetizing to me and here you are moved on and happy.

But you know what? Thank you. Thank you for making me truly realize that you can’t change people. That no matter what you do, or what the situation is, it just doesn’t happen. Thank you for teaching me to recognize the signs when someone doesn’t value you in the same way that you value them.

I know I made mistakes too. That I didn’t do things as well as I should have. I truly do know that I also fucked up in different ways than you and that those ways were not okay, either. And for that I truly am sorry. But it doesn’t make anything that you did or didn’t do any better. It excuses nothing.

If there is one hope I have for you, it’s that you’ve learned something through this. That it’s changed your behavior for the better. That you’ve learned what love truly feels like and how to give someone that love the way that they deserve to be given it. That you don’t do to her what you did to me, even though I hate the history that you two have together and that she was one of the reasons that our relationship fell through.

And honestly, I do hope you’re happy. But I only hope that because I want to be happy too one day and wishing sadness on others is both bad karma and a little too spiteful for me.

But just know that you really hurt me and I hope that if our relationship meant anything at all to you, that you feel at least somewhat responsible for the broken mess that I am right now.

There’s one more thing I want you to know, and that’s how fucking hard it is to deal with this alone. How fucking hard it is to be alone in general, actually. Because after moving on in less than three months I can fucking tell you that you don’t know shit about what this is like. I guess something else that I’m mad about is that I don’t think that’s fair. But I also guess that life isn’t fucking fair, so that’s fitting.

So anyway, have a great life. Have those two kids (and no more than two) that you want so badly and settle down with this new girl if it works out like that. I’ll just be over here hoping that the same thing happens to me when the time is right.

Bye forever,

Jess