Tag: relationships

Hate and Hurt Part 2

This post was meant for it’s debut weeks ago, but as is my life, things don’t always happen how I plan them to happen.

The most popular topic of whatever this blog may be thus far, AKA my ex, still haunts me even almost two years later.

Like I eluded to in my previous post, I think that a negative event happening in your life can effect your feelings toward other events that might otherwise not be a huge deal. Although, even without a death in my family, I feel like I might still make a bigger deal out of this whole situation than it deserves the attention of. But who knows.

Before I start hashing out all the feelings, be warned that this post is largely going to go over things that I feel like I’ve mentioned before. If you’re thinking, “why is dis bitch still obsessing over her ex like two years later? get over it gurl!” I highly advise leaving this page now. Related to this, although I don’t know how much truth there is to this, I have read a lot of  (likely nonscientific) articles and seen statistics such as it takes 18 months to recover from a break-up. I have also seen this “equation” thrown around in several articles that I’ve come across, basically stating that it takes half of the time that you dated a person to get over them after a breakup. So the 4.5 years I spent with my ex would, by these standards, equate to 2.25 years of getting over him, which to be fair, I have not reached yet. My point is that if these articles have any truth behind them, it takes a long ass time to get over a break up. So in my head that kind of justifies my kind of overbearing thoughts of my ex that are still happening.

From what I have gathered from what borders near-excessive creeping but I could also have gathered equally as quickly if I had just scrolled through Facebook (due to my ex and I still having mutual social media friends), my ex is getting married soon. I don’t know an exact date, but I can gather that it’s happening before we ring in 2019. And to his co-worker, who he was “Facebook official”-ly in a relationship with less than three months after we broke up and I moved out of his house. And, quite frankly, I hate him for it.

My ex was, and is, someone I love deeply. There has never been a person who I felt as strongly about as I did/do feel about my ex. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever in my life had to do by choice, and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t wish I could go back and figure out what to change to make it so that we worked out. But the fact of the matter is that we didn’t work out and that he is getting married to someone who he clearly must really love and I am here on my own left wondering when I’ll get to have something like that.

I don’t think I’ve ever admitted out loud to any of my friends the fact that I still love my ex. I feel like they’d roll their eyes or tell me I was being dumb or something. But I really, truly, still fucking love this man, and I would do anything to make it stop, because it fucking hurts to love someone you can’t have. Do I think that breaking up with him was a mistake? Not necessarily. I think that our relationship was damaged beyond repair and that sometimes what is good for you can hurt. But that doesn’t mean you stop loving someone.

I’m also in this place where, not only are we not together and not only is he getting married to someone else, but every fucking time there has been a glimmer of hope that someone was going to come along and “make me realize why it didn’t work out with anybody else” (him), as the quote goes(ish), I just end up sad and disappointed and longing to feel that love again.

It’s so stupid, but all I want to do is to tell him how I feel. I want him to know. It would help nothing at all and I don’t know why the urge is so strong to do so, but I seriously really feel like I need to tell him how I’m feeling. Although, there is a chance that that’s just the glass of wine I’ve consumed talking.

All I can say is, that I hope this “formula”, this equation for time spent getting over a breakup, is correct in the sense that I only have 4 more months left of feeling like this.

– Jessica

 

 

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Thoughts about feelings

I’m noticing more and more that I hold completely different standards for myself than I do for others.

Whenever I start feeling something, I suppress that shit. Or, I outwardly act like I’m not feeling it, at the very least. But when my friends are feeling something? I affirm the shit out of them. I tell them that it’s okay for them to feel how they’re feeling. I let them talk to me about their feelings until I’m so fucking sick of hearing about it, but I still sit with them and listen to them anyway, because I know what it’s like to be feeling something deeply and to feel like nobody cares or that I’m being stupid.

This happens more for me with good feelings than with bad feelings, though.

To explain a little further: there’s a boy I like. The details of this situation are meant for another post at another time (and only if things work out, of course), but basically, my feeling suppression stems from not wanting to be too hopeful about the situation. Like, what if I end up not liking him as much as I think I do when I get to know him a little more? Or what if, like so many other dudes, he changes his mind about me?

I’ve barely talked to my friends about him. I’ve been letting myself think about him, like, a lot. Which is way more than what I’m comfortable allowing myself to do, because, like I said, don’t want to get those hopes up.

Idk, this is kind of turning into a mumbo-jumbo diary entry weird post, but my point is, I just wish I could allow myself to experience the feelings I’m having without trying to push them away.

 

The Vicious Cycle

As I’ve said time and time again, dating in your 20’s is hard.

Now that I’ve been single for a bit over a year, I’ve noticed a cycle happening over, and over, and over.

First, comes a desire to meet new people and get involved with someone. I get back on Tinder and Bumble, or I randomly meet someone or start talking to a friend of a friend, whatever. We’ll refer to this as stage one of the cycle.

If dating apps are the poison I pick, next comes a stage of feeling overwhelmed, we’ll call this stage 1.5. I’ll get involved in way too many conversations that I feel the need to narrow down for myself and end up on the same awkward sushi date three times in a week.

Then I get involved with someone and move way too fast into the situation, stage two. Not into a real relationship or anything, but just. Spending a ton of time with them. Sleepovers. Not much emotional involvement but the physical and material aspects of a relationship flood into my life in what seems like a day. Basically a whole lot of Netflix and chill nights.

And then, inevitably, after no more than a couple of months, it doesn’t work out. Sometimes its them, sometimes its me, but whatever the situation, the third and final stage of this cycle is the end.

The truth is, a lot of it stems from the fact that I haven’t felt about anyone how I felt about my ex. I just wanted to be with him and only him, and I knew it after only a few weeks. I was into him. And sure, I’ve gotten emotionally attached to dudes and liked being around them (well okay, this actually has only happened with like one guy), but its never like it was with my ex.

I guess I keep dropping guys and starting over because that’s the missing piece I’m searching for. And honestly, its a little discouraging that I can’t for the life of me seem to find that piece again.

It is kind of comforting, though. I have had a hidden fear that I don’t really like to talk about. A fear that maybe I’ve always jumped from relationship to relationship so quickly in the past not because I found the right person, but because I feared being alone. I know now that that is not the case, because with as many opportunities as I’ve had to get into a relationship, I’ve never stayed when I knew it wasn’t right or when I knew I wasn’t being valued.

But anyway, the point of me hashing this cycle out with myself is that I am caught in the middle of it right now. I’m in the midst of stage two, but I get this looming feeling that another round of stage three is in the cards. I just have mixed feelings about him at this point. But also, I really barely know him. I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve hung out together. This makes me want to continue the situationship and see what happens, but my gut feeling is saying something different to me.

I think I’m ready for these cycles to end, but not because of the wrong person. I have it in my head that my next real relationship will be my last, and that I will be in it for the long haul once I finally find that right person. My gut is telling me that current dude is not that guy, and my conscience has me wondering if holding out longer is okay or if this would lead him on. I know he likes me, but how much? And are our differing opinions and views of certain things something that, in the future, would cause problems? Does he even realize how different our views are, or have I not been as forward about all of that as I should be?

It isn’t something that I’m going to decide tonight, but I definitely need to keep these things in mind and answer these questions for myself soon enough.

Stay tuned.

-Jessica

Single, but not lonely (Part II)

The biggest issue I have with the whole single = lonely thing is the fact that I am not fucking the slightest bit lonely.

First of all, can we remember that just because I’m single doesn’t mean that I haven’t looked at a man since my ex? Sure, I go back and forth with my feelings about the whole dating thing…well, okay, maybe not so much back and forth as much as 85% of the time feeling like I never want to be around another man again, 10% of the time spending like two weeks hanging out non-stop with a guy who I actually like being around before they decide to ignore my existence, and then like maybe 5% of the time double booking myself on Tinder dates all weekend long (yes, I know, I am at times the female version of a fuckboy, but you can either play the game or get played, am I right ladies?). I wouldn’t call it good, or healthy, or anything of the sort, but I definitely can attest that the majority of the time, if I’m not seeing any guys, it’s by my personal choice, and therefore I am not feeling lonely about it all.

My next, and most important, point, is that even if I wasn’t seeing guys when I wanted to see them, there are also these people who I like to call friends that most individuals spend time with, and who I happen to have in my life. I would in fact argue that I have some of the best, greatest friends that a girl could ask for. And this incredibly grateful, lucky girl typing this out right now, has friendships in her life that go back as far as 21 years ago. That’s literally almost all of my life, you guys. How many people can truly say that they have friends that they have known since they were three, four, and five years old?

And of course, I have friendships that only go back one or two years that are awesome as well. My very best friend is someone I’ve only known for two years, and she has introduced be to a whole group of friends who I get to call my own now (shout out to Angie for being responsible for literally 90% of my current social life lol).

Finally, I literally have multiple cats trying to lay on top of my body every moment that I am at home.

See? None of this looks like I am EVER ALONE. As I type this it’s like the orange one can sense that I’m thinking about him, and just moved from his spot a foot away from me on my bed and is now laying literally on top of my arms, making it slightly difficult for me to type.

On a more serious note, though, I don’t want to just speak for myself. Maybe someone is single and feels lonely because of it, and while I’m sorry to hear it, that’s totally okay and I will be the first person to validate your feelings (because I am all about validating other peoples’ feelings, let me tell ya). But what I don’t like is when people act as if, because one is single, they should feel lonely. People are allowed to be happy and content, regardless of their relationship status, and whether you personally agree with that or not. You shouldn’t need a relationship to feel whole, and nobody should make you feel like you do.

So don’t feel bad for me, and don’t try to convince me that I need to be less happy than I think I am.

-Jessica

The problem with dating in your mid-20’s

Every single one of us has had a long-term relationship that ended recently and we aren’t happy about it.

Everyone has this bad attitude about dating because they were “fucked over” in their last relationship.

Everyone who has that bad attitude thinks that it’s okay to treat other people like trash because of how they were treated in their past relationship. Or at least, that’s how they feel that they were treated.

So it ruins everyone for an undetermined period of time. People act in self-destructive ways. Or sometimes people just plain play games with each other.

I hate it so much. I hate games. I hate not being straightforward. I hate not knowing what is going through a person’s head when they are acting so all over the place with their feelings.

I just want someone to act toward me the way that I act toward them and it’s not fair.

-Jessica

People always surprise me.

I have major trust issues, because if you can’t trust a person who you were with for years and building a life with, you sure as fuck can’t trust a lot of people. But now someone has come along who is half changing that.

One of my best friends got married last night and this guy I’ve been hanging out with drove 40 minutes up to the wedding venue at midnight to pick me up, hung out with my friends and I, and got a hotel room with me.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that my ex would have NEVER done that. He would have complained about even having to come to the wedding with me. He would have never been willing to drive up after and hang out with me if he hadn’t been there in the first place.

It’s just crazy to me that someone who I’m not even in a relationship with would do that when my ex wouldn’t have. I’m like in awe. Especially because recently I’ve been really questioning whether or not he’s even into me at all and I feel like I have the answer to that question now haha.

I still don’t want to go getting my hopes up about anything, but they’re getting a tad elevated in regards to this situation. I haven’t had a guy do something that made me that happy in a long time, and although I don’t want my happiness depending on the actions of another person, it was nice to feel that again and I kind of hope it keeps happening for at least a little while.

-Jessica

You’d think it’d be easier at this point.

Since my break-up I’ve really learned the meaning of the term “old habits die hard”.

I saw an old friend of Mike’s at the bar the other night and she came up to me and asked about the break-up and how I was doing. We hadn’t hung out with her in a couple years, at least since Mike graduated (she had been a classmate of his). After we chatted for a while and went our separate ways, I immediately got my phone out to text Mike saying, “Hey, guess who I just saw at the bar?”

Of course I stopped myself before I even typed his name into my phone. But it really hit me that he’s still that person for me. The first person I want to text when something good happens. The first person I want to tell things to. This one impulsive moment really made me realize that after four and a half years, I was still in this weird habit where he’s my number one go-to, even though he’s completely removed himself from my life.

It makes me wonder if he has moments like those, ya know?

And it’s weird, because I really don’t want to be with him like that. I really have moved on from that relationship and want a fresh start. But yet these little moments are still happening every once in a while.

I guess I’m probably just still healing from it all. I probably shouldn’t overthink stuff like this and just let things run their course. But of course, that’s easier said than done, I suppose.

-Jessica