Being alone sucks sometimes.
I’m usually content to be at home chilling by myself. These last couple of days have been different, though.
I feel like everyone around me has a person that they can be with in times like this and I don’t. And every time I think I’ve found a person who might be that person for me, it never seems to work out. I hate getting my hopes up like that.
Maybe it has to do with other emotions I’m feeling. I’m not happy with some things that happened earlier this week, and I’m confused about some other things going on in my life, too. But I’m hoping things get better and it passes soon.
Since my break-up I’ve really learned the meaning of the term “old habits die hard”.
I saw an old friend of Mike’s at the bar the other night and she came up to me and asked about the break-up and how I was doing. We hadn’t hung out with her in a couple years, at least since Mike graduated (she had been a classmate of his). After we chatted for a while and went our separate ways, I immediately got my phone out to text Mike saying, “Hey, guess who I just saw at the bar?”
Of course I stopped myself before I even typed his name into my phone. But it really hit me that he’s still that person for me. The first person I want to text when something good happens. The first person I want to tell things to. This one impulsive moment really made me realize that after four and a half years, I was still in this weird habit where he’s my number one go-to, even though he’s completely removed himself from my life.
It makes me wonder if he has moments like those, ya know?
And it’s weird, because I really don’t want to be with him like that. I really have moved on from that relationship and want a fresh start. But yet these little moments are still happening every once in a while.
I guess I’m probably just still healing from it all. I probably shouldn’t overthink stuff like this and just let things run their course. But of course, that’s easier said than done, I suppose.
You know that feeling you get when a certain food just seems incredibly unappetizing to you? Like if its made you sick before or something? Well that’s how I feel about relationships right now. Like when someone asks me “are you dating right now?” or if I want a boyfriend I just get this disgusted look that uncontrollably spreads across my face before I say “Eh, not really”.
Which is NORMAL, since I have been single for all of three months after a long, rough relationship. Unless you’re my ex, apparently. -__-
I just don’t understand how one thing can just consume all of my thoughts and actions and make me so bitter and hateful. It isn’t fair.
While I have been feeling better about everything lately and I have been more open to hanging out with guys and maybe dating or what not, I still have a hard time with everything because I just know that no situation with any guy is going to go anywhere and I don’t want to give these guys the wrong idea. But I also don’t really want to be super forward about not wanting anything serious either because that might make me seem like I’m like a player or something.
I just want to find someone who’s on the same page as me. Like just someone I can hang out with and chill with and be around when I’m feeling lonely. It might not be the healthiest thing for me but I’m just tired of sitting around by myself on my friends’ date nights with their boyfriends and what not. Because I’m honestly like the only one of my friends without a boyfriend at this point and so sometimes I just feel like I need some sort of connection like that.
I also wonder when I’ll even want to be in a relationship again. Like if I’ll get to a point where I want a boyfriend and want to start seriously dating again, or if I’ll just kind of meet the right person and want to be with them. I kind of hate not knowing the future but I also am surprisingly content with being single right now.
I’m actually excited to start school tomorrow because it will give me something else to think about besides boys and relationships and all that bullshit. I need something to distract me from all of that right now and I need something important to focus my energy on.
So we’ll see how this goes now.