Author: wildchild2k14

Thoughts about feelings

I’m noticing more and more that I hold completely different standards for myself than I do for others.

Whenever I start feeling something, I suppress that shit. Or, I outwardly act like I’m not feeling it, at the very least. But when my friends are feeling something? I affirm the shit out of them. I tell them that it’s okay for them to feel how they’re feeling. I let them talk to me about their feelings until I’m so fucking sick of hearing about it, but I still sit with them and listen to them anyway, because I know what it’s like to be feeling something deeply and to feel like nobody cares or that I’m being stupid.

This happens more for me with good feelings than with bad feelings, though.

To explain a little further: there’s a boy I like. The details of this situation are meant for another post at another time (and only if things work out, of course), but basically, my feeling suppression stems from not wanting to be too hopeful about the situation. Like, what if I end up not liking him as much as I think I do when I get to know him a little more? Or what if, like so many other dudes, he changes his mind about me?

I’ve barely talked to my friends about him. I’ve been letting myself think about him, like, a lot. Which is way more than what I’m comfortable allowing myself to do, because, like I said, don’t want to get those hopes up.

Idk, this is kind of turning into a mumbo-jumbo diary entry weird post, but my point is, I just wish I could allow myself to experience the feelings I’m having without trying to push them away.

 

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Thoughts about culture

This is going to be a pretty random, short post that is mostly the product of procrastination, but nonetheless, I feel like sharing my thoughts about this.

One of my final papers this semester (which happens to be my last semester of classes before I go on internship, HOLLAAAA) is a “cultural autobiography”. It’s for a class I’m taking about working with culturally diverse individuals in my field. Basically, I have to write a paper about how my culture and the things that have happened to me in life have shaped my beliefs and values, and why. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it hasn’t been for me.

I’m a white girl born and raised in Michigan in a middle class family. I am the essence of the majority culture where I am living. Sure, there are things that have shaped how I view the world that can be considered aspects of my culture. Every single person on the planet has a culture that they identify with and can probably pinpoint how that culture has had an impact on how they view the world. But, I’m honestly a little uncomfortable writing about how my culture has impacted my worldview when I’ve honestly had it so easy in comparison to so many others. Has being a more liberal-leaning female in a white, middle-class, conservative family been easy 100% of the time? Of course not. But those little disagreements I have with family based upon my views of the world are nothing but an annoyance to me that I get over in a moment’s time. They in no way compare to the magnitude of what other individuals in my country face.

Another aspect that makes me unsettled about this assignment is that it’s making me realize how ordinary I really am. I love the idea of being a different and unique individual (I am an Aquarius, after all), and learning about other cultures and about things that make them stand out from the majority always reminds me that I’m not that special. Not that I need to be, but it’s just one of those things that puts me back in my place regarding who I am. If I had to guess, my paper will probably look like most of the other papers that will be turned into my professor (my field is predominantly made up of white women, so there are zero men and only a handful of women of color in my class, which is made up of 2/3rds of the students currently in my program).

I have ideas of things that I can write about, so I’m not worried about that part of it, and even if I didn’t have ideas, the due date is still a few weeks out. I’m just getting my feelings out there that it is making me a little uncomfortable that I have to write about perceived “hardships” that aren’t at all hard.

Well, whatever. I better suck it up and get back to picking away at this paper (and at the other 30 assignments I have to finish between now and May). Happy Friday, kids.

– Jessica

The Things I’ve Grown to Expect

I can’t believe I’m going to say this and probably jinx everything, but 25 has been a good year so far. We still have 10 months left to go, but it’s already gone better than 23 and 24 even combined, so that’s saying a lot.

The funny thing is, though, that up until probably this week, I was feeling incredibly depressed and lonely. It’s funny, how even the smallest good event(s) can make me forget about all the bad that I’ve been feeling. As cliché and unhelpful as it is to hear, things really do get better with time.

Part of the reason for my depression in the previous weeks, as I mentioned above, was loneliness. Where I live, I am far from nearly all of my friends, and I have been feeling rather isolated as of late. And when I begin feeling isolated, I come back full circle to this realization of my single-ness.

This single-ness has been a trait that I’ve possessed for a decent period of time now. At this point, I really should be used to it. Sure, there have been a few random almost-somethings, or situationships, or whatever you want to call them over the past year and a half (wow, actually, today would mark exactly a year and a half of me being single, almost to the exact time. I can’t figure out how embarrassing it is that I know this off-hand…), but nothing that I ever for even a moment thought would turn into the real thing.

This brings me to a conversation and a realization that happened recently. Over the past month, I’ve had two situations that were a one-and-done kind of deal. A date where I was ghosted afterward, and a drunken bar adventure night with a dude who never texted me after. And you know what? I don’t really care. Do you know why I don’t really care? Because it’s just what I’m used to now. It’s a standard that I’ve grown to expect.

A while after things ended with my ex and I had been involved with a couple of other dudes who ended up being kind of shitty, I told myself, and many others, that I had a new standard that I wouldn’t budge from from here on out. I am not chasing after anyone anymore. You’re interested in me? Then you make the first move. If not, tough luck, I’m out. I’m tired of being the one who cares way more and wants way more and loves way more. It’s draining and doesn’t make me feel good, and I’m honestly just over it.

So, for now, I’m not surprised when I’m ghosted or ignored, and it probably won’t bother me. And if it’s going to be this way, then, so be it.

But anyway, the point of that whole spiel is to say that when I feel lonely in other aspects of my life, it makes me miss the days where I had a steady person to turn to. A person who I could spend an evening with that I would have otherwise spent alone. I start to crave this kind of attention and relationship again.

The thing that gets me out of this rut, though, is remembering that even when I had my person, I still spent plenty of Friday nights alone, because he was with his friends instead of me. I still spent millions of Saturday nights at the bar as the third/fifth/ninth/seventeenth wheel, because he just didn’t want to come out and actually spend time with my friends more than once a season. And there were plenty of nights in between where he didn’t really feel like hanging out, but just did it to appease me. Or that I made him mad and he wasn’t really into being around me, but I had been drinking so I had to stay. Or a million and one other things that happened in that relationship that weren’t awesome. And then I realize that, through all these memories, I’ve always been fine on my own. Sure, I had more of a person than I have now, but it isn’t anything compared to the person I hope to have in the future. There was more that could have happened, that could have made me happier, that didn’t happen.***

So, for now, there are just shitty behaviors from men that, while they aren’t okay or excusable, are things that I can handle and brush off/get past/tolerate, because they let me know that that person isn’t what I want. My depression/loneliness has subsided for the most part, so these things aren’t going to bother me for the moment. These are things that, like the bought of depression that I felt, will be over with someday, and I won’t be able to remember how much I at times didn’t like it. At least, that’s my hope for the future.

I’m going to try to keep making 25 a good time, and if I find my person along the way, it happens. And if not, there’s always 26.

– Jessica

***Not trying to say that my ex was some horrible human being that didn’t care about me or anything. He hurt me a lot, yeah, but I can think of a few points in the relationship where I wasn’t perfect either. But in all honesty, these were very real, reoccurring issues on his part. He knew I wasn’t happy about this stuff because I communicated this to him, but it all still kept happening anyway. So yeah, that’s my disclaimer for ya.

Opinions

As anyone in America has the past few weeks, I have been hearing a LOT of opinions from a lot of people.

I believe that we are all entitled to our opinions, I really do. If I didn’t, I would be the biggest hypocrite, because I have an opinion about quite literally everything. But there are some, let’s call them “opinion pet-peeves”, that I have. I have been dying to share these with others, so I figured I would take this opportunity to create a blog post out of it.

Disclaimer, though, for those of you who actually know me IRL: I am 100% aware that I am guilty of having done a couple of the things on this list. I am working on them, I truly am, and I’m hoping that once my list is out there in the universe, I will be able to keep it in mind a little better before I go running my big mouth.

Opinion Pet-Peeve Number 1: When people do not differentiate between facts and opinions

I have encountered this one a lot. I love it when I can use a piece of factual information to back up my opinions. However, I often encounter people who will try to write off a fact that I state as my opinion, before I have even stated my opinion. This is infuriating to me, because A) you are only listening to respond, and B) you are interrupting me, both of which are rude.

For example, where I live, you have to submit pay stubs in order to obtain SNAP benefits if you do not have a child. I know this because I have friends who have applied for these benefits, and have not been able to get them because they are paid under the table at their jobs and could not show proof of employment because of this. When I share this information with those who believe that the majority of people getting SNAP benefits are “lazy” and need to “get jobs”, I get a lot of comments like, “well of course the LIBERAL thinks that!”

I don’t “think” it. It’s literally how the fucking program works. It’s a fact. It is not my opinion.

Opinion Pet-Peeve Number 2: Tone of voice, interrupting, and other generally rude behavior toward someone who you do not agree with

This is something that has really been getting to me during this past week in particular. If you don’t agree with something that someone is saying, there are ways that you can convey this without becoming disrespectful. Tone of voice is a big thing for me, because it’s something that I’m particularly sensitive to. Aside from that, though, if you really want to have a conversation with someone and you actually want them to listen to what you have to say, address the person calmly and respectfully. Trust me, people are a lot more likely to listen if they don’t feel attacked or looked down upon.

Opinion Pet-Peeve Number 3: Name-calling based on a specific viewpoint

This one really gets to me. What I mean by this is making a sweeping statement about everyone from a group. For example, calling those who identify with the liberal political party as “libtards”, or calling those who identify as Republican as “mentally challenged” (just to name a couple of the multiple examples that I have seen over the past couple of weeks). It is really unnecessary. In particular, I have seen both sides throw out the term “mentally ill” when speaking about a group that they do not agree with, or saying that an opposing political party is a “mental disorder”. This especially bothers me, since there is so much discussion about what we should do about the lack of prevention and intervention for those who have mental health issues in the U.S. as of late.

Opinion Pet-Peeve Number 4: When an opinion completely disregards half of the problem

This is more-so just my personal problem with certain opinions. As I mentioned at the beginning of my post, I believe everyone is entitled to have their opinions just as they are. I get quite irritated, though, when an opinion only touches on one facet of the issue and not the other 5 that need to be considered.

Example time: what ever shall we do about all of the mass shootings happening in the U.S.? Every opinion I’ve heard goes a little something like this: “We need more mental health services!”; “We need more gun laws!”; “These damn kids just need to have more respect these days!”

Every single one of these things listed is a part of the issue that needs addressing, though. It isn’t just one of these aspects that is the sole cause of mass shootings. It is all of these things and more, combined and intertwined with one another, working together to create the problem, and we cannot just address one facet if we want the problem to actually be fixed. No issue is black and white and there is no easy answer to most things, and looking at only the part of the problem that fits your agenda is a little ignorant, in my opinion.

 

This concludes my list (for now). Which, yes, is largely just my opinion. A list of pet peeves about opinions that just conveys my opinions. But I do think that, if the majority of people out in this world took some time to think about the things I’ve listed above when engaging in conversation with others, the conversations would be more productive and we might start actually solving some of the problems we have been facing lately.

Also, writing this all down has felt relatively therapeutic. I’ve been having these thoughts for weeks, and knowing that they are finally heading out into the universe once I press “publish” will be such a relief. I feel like I need to seriously start posting like this more often. Plus, talking about something other than the fact that I’m single is probably healthy 😉

Sleep well loves.

-Jessica

 

Negativity

I have always thought of myself as a pessimist. When things go bad in my life, I have a really, really hard time finding the good in the situation. If you’ve been reading my blog for any period of time, you probably know this about me.

But this isn’t an aspect of myself that I like or even want to have. I really wish that, when something bad happened, I could see something good in the event. And further, I don’t sit around all day, trying to make something bad out of situations that are actually good. So at least I have that going for me.

So where am I going with this post? Well, today, I have a bit of a rant.

I’ve talked endlessly about my friends and the wonderful people who fill my life who I love dearly. However, I have some friends who, while I stand by the fact that I love them dearly, drive me crazy at times.

This group of friends is always quick to call out my negativity, but when I am around them, negativity is the only thing that comes out of their mouths. They always seem to be in a bad mood, and  the littlest things set them off. They look for the negative in every situation, bring it to light, and don’t ever drop it. They also have a tendency to take out their personal feelings on others, which is something I have a big problem with due to my upbringing and my last relationship. If you are in a bad mood, and I did not put you in the bad mood, do not take it out on me. That is not fair to me, and is an immature way to handle yourself.

Also, these people have a lot of really great things happening in their lives right now. While pretty much every single one of my friends has suffered hardships, both in this group and outside of this group, there are definitely some aspects of my friends lives that are really, really happy and good. I have a hard time seeing why this group doesn’t even seem to at least be thankful for those things?

A part of my issue is a little bit of jealousy. I feel like I don’t have to look for things to be negative about sometimes – that they just happen to me all the time. At least, that’s how it seems to me a lot of the time. But then these people just go out of their way to look for something to complain about when there really isn’t anything to complain about. I wish I had to do that to find something to be upset or pissed off over! I don’t want to minimize anyone’s experiences or feelings, but I just don’t get it.

Phew. I actually feel better now that I’ve finally put my feelings into words out there for the world to hear.

-Jessica

Ruined Progress

I know everyone is probably tired of hearing me talk about my ex. Hell, I’m fucking tired of hearing me talk about my ex. I’m tired of thinking about him, feeling things about him…just fucking tired.

I was getting better. I got to this point where I didn’t really care anymore. Where I didn’t feel the need anymore to glance around at his Facebook profile when his friends would tag him in something. Finding out that he’s engaged now was enough for me to throw in the towel on my creeping for all of eternity.

Until he contacted me.

Let me just go off on a tangent for a minute and say that the State of Michigan is a fucking joke. I have had two other addresses since I lived at his place. I have gone through the tedious experience that is standing in a long ass line out the door thirty minutes before the Secretary of State office opens to change my permanent address both times. Yet for some fucking reason, they send my new license plate tabs to my fucking ex’s house where I haven’t lived in over a year.

So he texted me. Which, good for him for letting me know where they were, because I was getting worried. He also said he had some shit around that was mine still and asked if I wanted it back (which, fucking duh, dude).

So I went there. On my birthday, no less. And I saw him, in person, and talked to him, for the first time in over a year. It was short and cordial, no small talk or anything (side note: he also did not wish me a happy birthday, even though he clearly had to know it was my birthday since he celebrated four of them with me), only lasted long enough for him to hand me my shit and for me to leave.

And it fucking hurt, y’all. It really fucking hurts.

I’m so angry at everything right now. How can it be fair that I end things because I’m not being treated very nicely, and I’m still here, unable to fully move on and feel for anyone else what I felt for him, yet he fucking gets to feel all this happiness? This is just a fucking testimony to what I had always feared to be true: I am the one who felt and who loved and who cared the deepest, while, even if he didn’t realize it or whatever at the time, I was just some placeholder until something better came along. And that’s who I am for every fucking guy who I get with. Just something to keep around until they’re bored or they find someone who they like more. And how can you not even want to have a conversation with me? Know how I’m doing? Idk man.

And I really don’t even care that he’s happy. And it’s not that I’m not in general content with my life. That’s not any of it. But it isn’t fair that he doesn’t have to wonder anymore and that I do. All I know is that I haven’t met “the one” yet. I don’t know when/if/how I will meet him. I have all this wondering to do.

I hear all of these people telling me “once you stop looking, it’ll happen!” Yet, I was never looking, I’m not looking at all now, and it definitely hasn’t happened. Not that I’m itching to jump into another relationship right now. But I just wish I could know when this bullshit emotional roller coaster is going to end and when I’m going to meet the one who will make me move the fuck on, or if I’m not going to meet him, just know when I’m going to stop giving a shit.

Stay tuned, I guess.

-Jessica

The First Hiccup of 2018

I haven’t had any contact with my ex in nearly a year. Once he hurried into a new relationship, it wasn’t long before I was completely unfriended on every form of social media. However, I’m still friends with the majority of his friends on Facebook, Snapchat, etc. So I see things about him every once in a while.

Well, last night, I accidentally stumbled upon something that part of me wishes I hadn’t, but part of me is glad to know: he’s engaged. He has in fact been engaged for months now. It happened that fast.

Part of me is asking a million questions in my head. Why so fast? Why so willing to spend forever with her when he made excuses to delay that step with me? What’s so good about her that made this such a quick and easy choice for him? And so on.

Part of me thinks that my stumbling upon this discovery was no accident. Maybe there is a reason I found this, that something in the universe knew that this is something that I needed in order to really know that him and I are a thing of the past. Not that I was blissfully unaware of this fact before or hoping he would come back to me or anything like that. Just like…it makes me a little mad. Mad that he couldn’t care about me the way he does her when that’s all I so desperately wanted in our relationship. It makes me mad enough to never want to accidentally stumble upon anything about him or her ever again.

He has every right to move on and be happy, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not going to sit here and pretend like this doesn’t fucking hurt. Seeing this person who you really care about, who you would 100% still be with if you hadn’t been miserable, just latch on to another person so quickly and care about them in ways that you had longed for so badly from them, it feels shitty. It makes me feel like he was dishonest and that he knew he was wasting my fucking time, no matter how irrational that is.

I slept like shit after I found out last night, and honestly, I am anticipating a similar evening tonight. But we’ll see.

Other than this, though, 2018 has actually been treating me well so far. I’m trying to change my attitude a little bit and remember that it’s early in the year, and that one bad thing this early on won’t make or break anything. We’ll see how things progress.

Stay tuned.

-Jessica