New Year, New Me

But for real this time.

The last two weeks have been shit. Have there been some good times, yes. I guess there’s always good times if you look hard enough.

The last two weeks have brought me two different situations, both of which hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before. And it’s been really, really hard. And I thought that the outcome was going to be the same as it always is: with me doing stupid things and making bad choices and disliking the outcome of something that I’d brought upon myself.

But then that didn’t happen. I controlled myself. I dealt with things like an adult. And here I am today, actually feeling good about my night last night. Not regretting anything. Even kind of happy to a point…or, at least, happier than I have been in a long, long time.

So I’m thinking that maybe this will be my year. Just maybe. I hate being too positive because I feel like I’m always disappointed when I am. But who knows. Maybe I’ll try being positive because that’s new for me, too. It’s just day 1, after all. We have 364 more to see where things go.

2016 was honestly the worst year of my life, personally. Or at least, the last few months of it were. There were some good things that happened earlier in the year, and even small good things near the end too, but I just can’t convince myself that they outweigh the bad things right now. But I also wouldn’t trade the bad things that happened, because I’m sure eventually I’ll realize that I learned things from them and blah blah blah whatever. But those bad things fucking sucked. They really, truly did. They truly broke me. But I’m alive, I know I can handle anything this life might throw at me, I’ve learned that it’s okay to allow myself to grieve when I need to, and I know that there’s no fucking way that 2017 can be even a tiny bit worse than 2016 was.

So there you have it. My admission that I think I’m going to be okay. That I’m feeling good. That things are looking up. I can’t change what has happened to me but I can hope for the best in the future.

No resolutions for me this year because I’ve decided that I don’t need a new year to change things and I don’t want to do things the way I’ve done them in the past. I just want to allow the changes to come as they will. But I do want to start doing things differently. Like writing on here more, because I think it’s therapeutic and that I have some things to get out that I haven’t had a chance to yet.

I guess we’ll see where things go from here. Stay tuned to find out what happens.

-Jessica

I’m so over everything.

Today someone said to me, “Wow, you’re in a bad mood today. There’s no reason to get this upset over an election. Sometimes we can’t always get what we want and things don’t work out.”

LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS REAL QUICK:

I have not had a great last couple of months. In fact, I have often referred to my life as a “pile of garbage” or “trash can” or “joke” on numerous occasions, because things are not great for me right now.

I, of all people, AM FUCKING AWARE of the fact that sometimes we cannot have what we would like in life. I am literally alone and broker than fuck and hurting like hell right now. You don’t need to tell me about how the world doesn’t always go my way, because trust me, I fucking get it.

My school work is suffering. My motivation is plummeting. I have no feelings of hope or that anything will ever be good again right now. I’m not necessarily sad, just completely numb to any emotions whatsoever. I feel blank and empty and alone.

And guess what? I don’t want to sit here and make myself feel okay when I don’t. I want to let myself be down for a little bit here and there. I want to let myself feel what I’m feeling so that I can know it’s happening when I finally do really start to feel better. I want to let this grieving process happen. I don’t want to just make myself be happy when I’m fucking not. I want to feel the bad so that the good can really feel good when it finally starts to happen.

So for the love of God, stop with the “power of positive thinking” hippie shit, stop trying to guilt me with the “people have it worse than you” bull, stop pointing out the obvious, and just let me be, let me feel, let me have some space to think about it all.

Side note, Trump winning the election doesn’t exactly help my mood by any means. It’s definitely a factor to consider in my mood on this particular day. But, I don’t know, that comment earlier just really made me lose my shit. I’m just having one of my rough days, I guess.

But anyway, I hope everyone has a little bit of a better night that I am.

-Jessica

When your ex kind of wants to hang out

So clearly after 4.5 years of being with someone, you’re going to feel weird when you break up. Its going to be cray. You’re going to have mixed emotions. But eventually, you’ll feel normal again and things will get better, right?

Well it isn’t that simple when you have yet to go more than 5 days without talking to him and then he hits you up because you got a bunch of mail at his house so he wants to come deliver it to you and see the cats.

I mean, I want my mail, so I have to see him anyway. And it isn’t like I hate him or anything. But damn, I feel like I just need a few weeks without hearing from him so I can get used to life without him and start feeling normal again.

Then again, I’m probably really not going about trying to get over him appropriately anyway, since it mostly involves trying to rebound but not actually wanting anything serious out of it. And also alcohol. It involves alcohol, too.

UHG BUT ANYWAY sorry for yet another diary entry, and also sorry that this blog has like no substance or good content lately. I just am trying to live life and adjust to new things and what not.

Well anyway hopefully things get less weird.

Peace –

Jessica

This is getting old

The look people give me whenever I talk about my break up/living by myself now/having two cats is getting to be pretty fucking old already. Like they think that my life is a sad joke or something. Which okay, yeah, it is.

No, I’m not happy right now. I’m sad about my break up. I’m lonely. I miss having that connection with someone. Life is hard.

But why is there this unwritten rule that we can only be happy if we are in a relationship or engaged or married or having a baby? Why can’t I learn to be content and happy with being on my own with my cats? Why can’t other people celebrate with me once I learn to be me without my name attached to another person? 

Because even though I feel sad, that doesn’t mean that you have to pity me. To think that I’m unhappy because I’m a lonely cat lady. I’m not necessarily unhappy. Change is hard and my new status is hard and I am sad, but I’m not unhappy and hating my life.

There are days that are hard and there are days that I could use more support and there are days when I’m sad and I have a difficult go, but that doesn’t mean that it’s necessary for you to pity me and look at me like I’m such a sad girl. 

Things will get better if given time, I know it.

-Jessica

God dammit Patrice

Today I called the electric company to have the service for my apartment transferred into my name.

Except when I gave them my social security number, they informed me that they already have that number on file for a woman named Patrice Jefferson.

So guess whose mom had to put the electric bill in her name until I can prove that I’m myself to the company? THIS GIRL RIGHT HURR.

THIS WOULD LITERALLY ONLY HAPPEN TO ME.

I can’t even with myself sometimes.

I don’t know whether to be upset with Patrice for trying to steal my identity or if the company just made a mistake and has the wrong social security number listed for this woman. But I’m annoyed.

Like as if my life needed any more complications right now.

But guess what? I get my key tomorrow! I’m excited to start setting the place up and moving things in. I won’t be fully moved in until like Saturday night but whatever.

So anyway, I just figured I’d give everyone a nice little anecdotal piece about the continued downward spiral of my life.

More to come soon, I’m sure.

-Jessica

The first drunken mishap of my single life, and also me using my blog as a diary because feelings

Do you ever do nothing wrong but still feel like you did?

Because that’s my life right now.

So a little piece of info about the events leading up to why my most recent relationship ended and a fun story from my latest drunken adventures:

I recently became BFF’s with this girl Ang I worked with at my last job. She’s literally my favorite human.

Her fiance’s best friend is obsessed with me and he stole a kiss from me while I was blackout drunk a few months back. Ever since then he thinks he can date me or what not. Ya know, typical weird controlling guy stuff that women have to deal with all the time. So anyway he is constantly asking me out on dates, trying to get me to hook up with him, etc. Even while I was still in a relationship (clearly since he kissed me after knowing that I had a boyfriend he doesn’t really have a good grasp regarding boundaries). Its honestly gotten to a point where his actions boarder on harassment and I’m getting really annoyed by it. I told my boyfriend right after I found out that it had happened because I was always terrible at keeping things from him and I wanted him to know what had happened. We worked through it at the time but it was ultimately a factor in our relationship ending.

So anyway, part two of the story: we’ve all been keeping the fact that I’m now single from this guy. I even lied to him and said that my boyfriend and I are doing well last time I saw him. Whoops.

Well, flash forward to last night. I go out with my girl Ang and all her and her fiance’s friends like I always do. Its a zombie bar crawl so its a pretty fun time and what not. Said guy who is obsessed with me is there, among other people.

Well after lying to obsessed guy and saying I was still in a relationship, I decided to have one too many jack and cokes and end up hitting it off with one of their other friends and making out with him.

Obsessed guy is now pissed.

So I feel bad about that and bad that not even two weeks after ending my last relationship I’m out making out with dudes at bars. Even though I’m single and nobody owns me and I can do what I want with my own self and body.

I also feel bad because I need, NEED to be doing shit for school right now and I was doing such a great job at controlling myself last night until the last couple of hours that we were out and now I’m hungover today and am basically a clout on society. However I did bring my study materials into my bed so once I have finally mustered up the motivation to use them I will be golden.

So anyway, thanks for listening about my life. Hopefully I don’t continue to make poor choices in the future and don’t feel as bad about it if I do.

Peace.

-Jessica

Update:

I got approved for an apartment!

Now I can move out of my ex-boyfriend’s house!

Which, by the way, is apparently has asbestos. This is just one small example about how my life is a joke. Stay tuned for many  more!

I’m also drinking wine and trying to study right now. Mostly drinking wine.

Said ex-boyfriend accused me of only wanting to move into this particular apartment because there is a Dairy Queen across the street from it. You can tell that we dated for nearly all of my adult life so far because he isn’t wrong. Ice cream is my fucking livelihood.

Well anyway, just thought I’d share my news with y’all. I need to get back to my (lack thereof) studying right now.

-Jessica