My life is a lecture opportunity

…or at least, that’s how it seems at times when I see my family.

Apparently, it’s not okay for me to be happy with where my life is at right now in certain aspects.

But, when I’m not happy about where my life is at, that’s not okay either and I need to be more positive. Like what?

Is there ever going to be an age that I get to where my family quits thinking that I need their bullshit “guidance” on every little aspect of my life? When you pretend I don’t exist for two weeks at a time and I don’t die then I feel like that means that I’m doing just fine and probably don’t need you to tell me that if I had a boyfriend I’d be much happier or that if I had a dog instead of a cat my life would be better or whatever else everyone keeps telling me. And yeah, that’s the kind of stuff they hound me about, literally just talking shit about my single with cats lifestyle. Which I am very happy with, thank you very much!

Well anyway, that’s my venting session after pretty much not logging onto this website in four months. Now that my semester is coming to an end you may very well be hearing from me more often, because I haven’t particularly had free time due to the craziness of my semester. Maybe I’ll even post an update about my life later this week since it’s been so long (except for spoiler alert: nothing much has happened so don’t get too excited). We’ll see.

-Jessica

Mixed Feelings

You know that feeling you get when a certain food just seems incredibly unappetizing to you? Like if its made you sick before or something? Well that’s how I feel about relationships right now. Like when someone asks me “are you dating right now?” or if I want a boyfriend I just get this disgusted look that uncontrollably spreads across my face before I say “Eh, not really”.

Which is NORMAL, since I have been single for all of three months after a long, rough relationship. Unless you’re my ex, apparently. -__-

I just don’t understand how one thing can just consume all of my thoughts and actions and make me so bitter and hateful. It isn’t fair.

While I have been feeling better about everything lately and I have been more open to hanging out with guys and maybe dating or what not, I still have a hard time with everything because I just know that no situation with any guy is going to go anywhere and I don’t want to give these guys the wrong idea. But I also don’t really want to be super forward about not wanting anything serious either because that might make me seem like I’m like a player or something.

I just want to find someone who’s on the same page as me. Like just someone I can hang out with and chill with and be around when I’m feeling lonely. It might not be the healthiest thing for me but I’m just tired of sitting around by myself on my friends’ date nights with their boyfriends and what not. Because I’m honestly like the only one of my friends without a boyfriend at this point and so sometimes I just feel like I need some sort of connection like that.

I also wonder when I’ll even want to be in a relationship again. Like if I’ll get to a point where I want a boyfriend and want to start seriously dating again, or if I’ll just kind of meet the right person and want to be with them. I kind of hate not knowing the future but I also am surprisingly content with being single right now.

I’m actually excited to start school tomorrow because it will give me something else to think about besides boys and relationships and all that bullshit. I need something to distract me from all of that right now and I need something important to focus my energy on.

So we’ll see how this goes now.

-Jessica

Endings

Dear Mike,

I’m having an incredibly hard time not hating you right now. However, I realize that you have a life that I’m just not a part of anymore, and I accept that as much as I can bring myself to right now.

You were great for a lot of reasons. You always made me laugh. You cooked awesome meals. You’re incredibly attractive. We were on the same page about a lot of stuff.

But those are just surface things that don’t really help a relationship.

For all those things that we were on the same page about, there’s a long, long list of things that we weren’t.

You took out all your negative emotions on me every. single. fucking. time. Never on the people who actually made you feel that way. Never on the things that made you upset that I had zero fucking control over. Always on me. You’re just like my dad in that way and you and I both know that that just doesn’t fucking fly with me.

Every single “compromise” that we came to was blatantly one-sided. I’m not going to sit here and try to say that you never gave me anything that I wanted and never listened to my opinion because that just wouldn’t be true. But it was never, EVER about what I wanted unless you wanted it too. As soon as we disagreed, you’re the one who always got your way. I guess that’s my fault for loving you enough to allow that shit.

And then you lied to me. After I came clean about my shit to you. That’s the first thing that really hurt.

And then, after all is said and done, I find out that you have a new girlfriend after less than THREE FUCKING MONTHS. I’m fucking pissed. Pissed because of the history that I know you have with her. Pissed because from what I’m seeing on social media, your friends seem to think that she’s been in your life for quite some time, although I’ve only been out of it for what seems like minutes to me. And they seem to love her when I feel like they just thought I was kind of a bitch, even though I’m sorry, but I had pretty good reason to be at times.

I think  the part that hurts me the most is that this just solidifies everything that I was so worried about throughout the last leg of our relationship. With some of your actions it just didn’t really seem like you cared as much as I did. Like maybe you didn’t love me as much as I loved you. And I’m not accusing you of hurting me on purpose or leading me on. I honestly think that you thought you loved me as much as I did you. But I don’t see how that can be true when the thought of being in a relationship with someone else right now sounds so unappetizing to me and here you are moved on and happy.

But you know what? Thank you. Thank you for making me truly realize that you can’t change people. That no matter what you do, or what the situation is, it just doesn’t happen. Thank you for teaching me to recognize the signs when someone doesn’t value you in the same way that you value them.

I know I made mistakes too. That I didn’t do things as well as I should have. I truly do know that I also fucked up in different ways than you and that those ways were not okay, either. And for that I truly am sorry. But it doesn’t make anything that you did or didn’t do any better. It excuses nothing.

If there is one hope I have for you, it’s that you’ve learned something through this. That it’s changed your behavior for the better. That you’ve learned what love truly feels like and how to give someone that love the way that they deserve to be given it. That you don’t do to her what you did to me, even though I hate the history that you two have together and that she was one of the reasons that our relationship fell through.

And honestly, I do hope you’re happy. But I only hope that because I want to be happy too one day and wishing sadness on others is both bad karma and a little too spiteful for me.

But just know that you really hurt me and I hope that if our relationship meant anything at all to you, that you feel at least somewhat responsible for the broken mess that I am right now.

There’s one more thing I want you to know, and that’s how fucking hard it is to deal with this alone. How fucking hard it is to be alone in general, actually. Because after moving on in less than three months I can fucking tell you that you don’t know shit about what this is like. I guess something else that I’m mad about is that I don’t think that’s fair. But I also guess that life isn’t fucking fair, so that’s fitting.

So anyway, have a great life. Have those two kids (and no more than two) that you want so badly and settle down with this new girl if it works out like that. I’ll just be over here hoping that the same thing happens to me when the time is right.

Bye forever,

Jess

New Year, New Me

But for real this time.

The last two weeks have been shit. Have there been some good times, yes. I guess there’s always good times if you look hard enough.

The last two weeks have brought me two different situations, both of which hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before. And it’s been really, really hard. And I thought that the outcome was going to be the same as it always is: with me doing stupid things and making bad choices and disliking the outcome of something that I’d brought upon myself.

But then that didn’t happen. I controlled myself. I dealt with things like an adult. And here I am today, actually feeling good about my night last night. Not regretting anything. Even kind of happy to a point…or, at least, happier than I have been in a long, long time.

So I’m thinking that maybe this will be my year. Just maybe. I hate being too positive because I feel like I’m always disappointed when I am. But who knows. Maybe I’ll try being positive because that’s new for me, too. It’s just day 1, after all. We have 364 more to see where things go.

2016 was honestly the worst year of my life, personally. Or at least, the last few months of it were. There were some good things that happened earlier in the year, and even small good things near the end too, but I just can’t convince myself that they outweigh the bad things right now. But I also wouldn’t trade the bad things that happened, because I’m sure eventually I’ll realize that I learned things from them and blah blah blah whatever. But those bad things fucking sucked. They really, truly did. They truly broke me. But I’m alive, I know I can handle anything this life might throw at me, I’ve learned that it’s okay to allow myself to grieve when I need to, and I know that there’s no fucking way that 2017 can be even a tiny bit worse than 2016 was.

So there you have it. My admission that I think I’m going to be okay. That I’m feeling good. That things are looking up. I can’t change what has happened to me but I can hope for the best in the future.

No resolutions for me this year because I’ve decided that I don’t need a new year to change things and I don’t want to do things the way I’ve done them in the past. I just want to allow the changes to come as they will. But I do want to start doing things differently. Like writing on here more, because I think it’s therapeutic and that I have some things to get out that I haven’t had a chance to yet.

I guess we’ll see where things go from here. Stay tuned to find out what happens.

-Jessica

I’m so over everything.

Today someone said to me, “Wow, you’re in a bad mood today. There’s no reason to get this upset over an election. Sometimes we can’t always get what we want and things don’t work out.”

LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS REAL QUICK:

I have not had a great last couple of months. In fact, I have often referred to my life as a “pile of garbage” or “trash can” or “joke” on numerous occasions, because things are not great for me right now.

I, of all people, AM FUCKING AWARE of the fact that sometimes we cannot have what we would like in life. I am literally alone and broker than fuck and hurting like hell right now. You don’t need to tell me about how the world doesn’t always go my way, because trust me, I fucking get it.

My school work is suffering. My motivation is plummeting. I have no feelings of hope or that anything will ever be good again right now. I’m not necessarily sad, just completely numb to any emotions whatsoever. I feel blank and empty and alone.

And guess what? I don’t want to sit here and make myself feel okay when I don’t. I want to let myself be down for a little bit here and there. I want to let myself feel what I’m feeling so that I can know it’s happening when I finally do really start to feel better. I want to let this grieving process happen. I don’t want to just make myself be happy when I’m fucking not. I want to feel the bad so that the good can really feel good when it finally starts to happen.

So for the love of God, stop with the “power of positive thinking” hippie shit, stop trying to guilt me with the “people have it worse than you” bull, stop pointing out the obvious, and just let me be, let me feel, let me have some space to think about it all.

Side note, Trump winning the election doesn’t exactly help my mood by any means. It’s definitely a factor to consider in my mood on this particular day. But, I don’t know, that comment earlier just really made me lose my shit. I’m just having one of my rough days, I guess.

But anyway, I hope everyone has a little bit of a better night that I am.

-Jessica

When your ex kind of wants to hang out

So clearly after 4.5 years of being with someone, you’re going to feel weird when you break up. Its going to be cray. You’re going to have mixed emotions. But eventually, you’ll feel normal again and things will get better, right?

Well it isn’t that simple when you have yet to go more than 5 days without talking to him and then he hits you up because you got a bunch of mail at his house so he wants to come deliver it to you and see the cats.

I mean, I want my mail, so I have to see him anyway. And it isn’t like I hate him or anything. But damn, I feel like I just need a few weeks without hearing from him so I can get used to life without him and start feeling normal again.

Then again, I’m probably really not going about trying to get over him appropriately anyway, since it mostly involves trying to rebound but not actually wanting anything serious out of it. And also alcohol. It involves alcohol, too.

UHG BUT ANYWAY sorry for yet another diary entry, and also sorry that this blog has like no substance or good content lately. I just am trying to live life and adjust to new things and what not.

Well anyway hopefully things get less weird.

Peace –

Jessica

This is getting old

The look people give me whenever I talk about my break up/living by myself now/having two cats is getting to be pretty fucking old already. Like they think that my life is a sad joke or something. Which okay, yeah, it is.

No, I’m not happy right now. I’m sad about my break up. I’m lonely. I miss having that connection with someone. Life is hard.

But why is there this unwritten rule that we can only be happy if we are in a relationship or engaged or married or having a baby? Why can’t I learn to be content and happy with being on my own with my cats? Why can’t other people celebrate with me once I learn to be me without my name attached to another person? 

Because even though I feel sad, that doesn’t mean that you have to pity me. To think that I’m unhappy because I’m a lonely cat lady. I’m not necessarily unhappy. Change is hard and my new status is hard and I am sad, but I’m not unhappy and hating my life.

There are days that are hard and there are days that I could use more support and there are days when I’m sad and I have a difficult go, but that doesn’t mean that it’s necessary for you to pity me and look at me like I’m such a sad girl. 

Things will get better if given time, I know it.

-Jessica