Single, but not lonely (Part I)

I hate that being single is thought to be synonymous with loneliness.

First of all, alone time can be a great thing. After years of constantly spending my time with another person, when I suddenly found myself single, I realized that there was something about myself that I had never before thought to be a problem: I have no fucking hobbies. Literally nothing I enjoy doing on my own in my free time, because I was never, ever alone in my free time. And, much to my dismay, people think it a little odd when they ask, “So what do you like to do for fun?” and you respond by saying, “Well usually when I’m by myself I literally just lay in my bed and stare at the wall and think about life.” And rightfully so, because yeah, that’s fucking weird.

(Disclaimer: I’m fucking weird so I’m okay with it still, but there’s only so much laying in bed and staring that you can do until you start to feel like you might be a pile of trash and need to actually mobilize your body every once in a while).

Although I will never consider myself to be anything less than an extrovert, I’ve learned to enjoy being alone and forcing myself to take on hobbies. Things that I’ve always had an interest in or wanted to learn more about, I actually do now, and I actually like it. And also, with being alone, sometimes you’re forced to pick up hobbies that you didn’t actually like before but now really enjoy. For example, cooking.

Now, the cooking story is actually a funny one. About two years ago, when I found myself applying to graduate programs, on many of the applications you were asked questions that literally had nothing to do with anything academic. One of these questions that I came across on several applications asked about what I enjoy doing in my free time. Since I thought it inappropriate to say, “drinking”, or, “laying in my bed as staring at the wall”, or a slew of other completely uninteresting/inappropriate things that I enjoy and are not at all actual hobbies, I would say things like, “cooking”. Now, two years ago, I absolutely hated cooking, and I in fact did not do it very often. I would try, but usually end up being too tired/hungover/lazy and would end up going out to eat or mooching off of whatever Mike had cooked for himself that day or week. But then I lived by myself and realized that I was gaining weight because of my take-out habits that were fueled by laziness and mild depression, and I was not happy about it. So I started cooking. And now I actually like doing it, like, a lot.

The act of being alone is not inherently bad, and it is not always something that is unwanted by those of us who haven’t found our person yet. And although it’s been shitty at times, I’m so glad that something that I didn’t think was good has taught me something so valuable.

But this is only one small sliver of why I think that we need to throw this idea that single = lonely (or, more specifically, unwanted lonely), throw it out the car window, and back our vehicles up over it.

More to come on those other reasons later, since this post is almost as long as the last paper I turned in this past semester.



Finding Myself

It’s been a long journey, these last 15/16 months.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the past over the last couple days, as well as what I want my future to be. And I’ve been reflecting a lot on myself as well and where I was, where I’m at now, and where I want to be.

I still have questions, and I’m still my typical, cynical self. But while I have a ways to go, I realize that I’ve come a long way, and that I need to take the time to recognize this.

I’m more open to having a real relationship now than I was before. But yet, I’m more content than ever being on my own. I’ve realized, because of events that have happened over the last couple of weeks, that I’m no longer in a space in my mind where I’m receiving all of my happiness from other people.

I’ve also found ways to cope and spend my time, like through actual hobbies! I’ve never had many hobbies before, but in recent months I’ve been getting into tarot and astrology. I’m reading more. I’m crocheting a blanket for myself. I’m just doing more things on my own and actually liking it.

I feel like tarot and astrology also give me some guidance and hope for things, too. It’s so interesting, because I will pull cards and feel negatively about them, but then look at the meaning and the meaning will be positive. I feel like my actual life is a lot like that, like, I will think something is going to be very negative, but it will always turn out okay in the end.

This year has sucked nearly as much as 2016 did, if not more. And of course, there are still things going on in my personal life that are hard. Like, really hard. And that are so much bigger than me or any of my problems (but that’s for another post, because I want to try and keep this one on the more positive side). But I’m really, truly feeling better about myself, my life, and the things that are to happen now for me.


Happiness IS a destination if you just aren’t happy.

People keep telling me to stop viewing happiness as a destination that I need to get to. “Be happy with what you have in the now, and everything else will fall into place.”

I bet anyone who has read even a sentence of any other post I’ve made can know without me having to tell you that I think this is bullshit.

I do not HAVE to like things as they are right now. I don’t have to FORCE myself to feel a feeling that I’m not feeling.

But on the same note, that doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful. That my unhappiness with things can’t fuel my drive to get myself to a place where I am happy. That I’m not trying my damnedest to think positively about the way things are or are going to be.

Things don’t just magically work how you want them to work because you try to trick yourself into being happy with all the shit that gets thrown your way. You can go into a situation with the most positive of attitudes and realize that you were an idiot and that everything is terrible. You can go into a situation with a complete shit attitude and come out realizing that you were an idiot because everything is great now.

Life is unpredictable, and too short to stay in a situation trying to force yourself to be happy about it when you just aren’t.

And maybe this is just my inner, currently very discouraged self talking…and I say CURRENTLY because I am working hard to get out of this mindset. Toward the destination that people tell me shouldn’t be considered a destination, I guess.


The problem with dating in your mid-20’s

Every single one of us has had a long-term relationship that ended recently and we aren’t happy about it.

Everyone has this bad attitude about dating because they were “fucked over” in their last relationship.

Everyone who has that bad attitude thinks that it’s okay to treat other people like trash because of how they were treated in their past relationship. Or at least, that’s how they feel that they were treated.

So it ruins everyone for an undetermined period of time. People act in self-destructive ways. Or sometimes people just plain play games with each other.

I hate it so much. I hate games. I hate not being straightforward. I hate not knowing what is going through a person’s head when they are acting so all over the place with their feelings.

I just want someone to act toward me the way that I act toward them and it’s not fair.


People always surprise me.

I have major trust issues, because if you can’t trust a person who you were with for years and building a life with, you sure as fuck can’t trust a lot of people. But now someone has come along who is half changing that.

One of my best friends got married last night and this guy I’ve been hanging out with drove 40 minutes up to the wedding venue at midnight to pick me up, hung out with my friends and I, and got a hotel room with me.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that my ex would have NEVER done that. He would have complained about even having to come to the wedding with me. He would have never been willing to drive up after and hang out with me if he hadn’t been there in the first place.

It’s just crazy to me that someone who I’m not even in a relationship with would do that when my ex wouldn’t have. I’m like in awe. Especially because recently I’ve been really questioning whether or not he’s even into me at all and I feel like I have the answer to that question now haha.

I still don’t want to go getting my hopes up about anything, but they’re getting a tad elevated in regards to this situation. I haven’t had a guy do something that made me that happy in a long time, and although I don’t want my happiness depending on the actions of another person, it was nice to feel that again and I kind of hope it keeps happening for at least a little while.


Alone time

Being alone sucks sometimes.

I’m usually content to be at home chilling by myself. These last couple of days have been different, though.

I feel like everyone around me has a person that they can be with in times like this and I don’t. And every time I think I’ve found a person who might be that person for me, it never seems to work out. I hate getting my hopes up like that.

Maybe it has to do with other emotions I’m feeling. I’m not happy with some things that happened earlier this week, and I’m confused about some other things going on in my life, too. But I’m hoping things get better and it passes soon.