Tag: love

Hate and Hurt Part 2

This post was meant for it’s debut weeks ago, but as is my life, things don’t always happen how I plan them to happen.

The most popular topic of whatever this blog may be thus far, AKA my ex, still haunts me even almost two years later.

Like I eluded to in my previous post, I think that a negative event happening in your life can effect your feelings toward other events that might otherwise not be a huge deal. Although, even without a death in my family, I feel like I might still make a bigger deal out of this whole situation than it deserves the attention of. But who knows.

Before I start hashing out all the feelings, be warned that this post is largely going to go over things that I feel like I’ve mentioned before. If you’re thinking, “why is dis bitch still obsessing over her ex like two years later? get over it gurl!” I highly advise leaving this page now. Related to this, although I don’t know how much truth there is to this, I have read a lot of  (likely nonscientific) articles and seen statistics such as it takes 18 months to recover from a break-up. I have also seen this “equation” thrown around in several articles that I’ve come across, basically stating that it takes half of the time that you dated a person to get over them after a breakup. So the 4.5 years I spent with my ex would, by these standards, equate to 2.25 years of getting over him, which to be fair, I have not reached yet. My point is that if these articles have any truth behind them, it takes a long ass time to get over a break up. So in my head that kind of justifies my kind of overbearing thoughts of my ex that are still happening.

From what I have gathered from what borders near-excessive creeping but I could also have gathered equally as quickly if I had just scrolled through Facebook (due to my ex and I still having mutual social media friends), my ex is getting married soon. I don’t know an exact date, but I can gather that it’s happening before we ring in 2019. And to his co-worker, who he was “Facebook official”-ly in a relationship with less than three months after we broke up and I moved out of his house. And, quite frankly, I hate him for it.

My ex was, and is, someone I love deeply. There has never been a person who I felt as strongly about as I did/do feel about my ex. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever in my life had to do by choice, and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t wish I could go back and figure out what to change to make it so that we worked out. But the fact of the matter is that we didn’t work out and that he is getting married to someone who he clearly must really love and I am here on my own left wondering when I’ll get to have something like that.

I don’t think I’ve ever admitted out loud to any of my friends the fact that I still love my ex. I feel like they’d roll their eyes or tell me I was being dumb or something. But I really, truly, still fucking love this man, and I would do anything to make it stop, because it fucking hurts to love someone you can’t have. Do I think that breaking up with him was a mistake? Not necessarily. I think that our relationship was damaged beyond repair and that sometimes what is good for you can hurt. But that doesn’t mean you stop loving someone.

I’m also in this place where, not only are we not together and not only is he getting married to someone else, but every fucking time there has been a glimmer of hope that someone was going to come along and “make me realize why it didn’t work out with anybody else” (him), as the quote goes(ish), I just end up sad and disappointed and longing to feel that love again.

It’s so stupid, but all I want to do is to tell him how I feel. I want him to know. It would help nothing at all and I don’t know why the urge is so strong to do so, but I seriously really feel like I need to tell him how I’m feeling. Although, there is a chance that that’s just the glass of wine I’ve consumed talking.

All I can say is, that I hope this “formula”, this equation for time spent getting over a breakup, is correct in the sense that I only have 4 more months left of feeling like this.

– Jessica

 

 

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Hate and Hurt Part 1

The past several weeks have brought back a lot of negative feelings that hadn’t haunted me in quite some time, except this time, certain feelings of sadness feel like they are more valid than the ones I’ve had in the past.

I lost a man who was very dear to my heart a few weeks ago, and by lost, I’m talking about the death kind of lost. Growing up I was blessed to have all four of my grandparents around and all four of these individuals have had a great impact on me and who I am today. They cared for me as if I was their own child and I always felt like I had two extra sets of parents around. While I still feel blessed to have my mother’s parents around and in this role, it hurts me to know that now both of my father’s parents have left this world and that I will have to go the rest of my lifetime without them here.

I haven’t been back to my parents’ place, where my grandpa lived, since the day of the funeral. It would hit me too hard to be there and to not go down to the living room in the basement to say hi. I don’t know how I’d feel to be there and for my grandpa to not pull himself up the stairs from his space down there to join us for one of my mom’s home-cooked meals. And even after he passed away, I can’t look at that room down there the same anymore. It was arranged differently than how my family put it back after my grandpa’s hospital bed and all the medical equipment was taken away. I can’t remember exactly how it was arranged, but I know it looks different now. But maybe that’s just because I know he isn’t there anymore. I don’t really know.

I thought losing my grandma was hard, and I mean, it was. But this really fucking hit me. The thing about it that gets me is that my dad is an only child and that my grandpa was the only immediate family member he had left besides my mom and my brothers and I. My grandma and grandpa were his whole family for 22 years of his life. I feel so much hurt myself from losing my grandpa, but I think I feel even more hurt for my dad. It can’t be easy for him.

As I think you could guess from my first sentence, there are other less important things that have got me feeling down as well as of late, but they are nothing compared to the loss of a loved one and I just thought that my grandpa was a special enough guy that he deserved his very own post. Stay tuned for the rest of my bad feelings in another post.

But anyway, tell someone you love them tonight, guys. It might be the last time they get to hear it from you.

– Jessica

Thoughts about feelings

I’m noticing more and more that I hold completely different standards for myself than I do for others.

Whenever I start feeling something, I suppress that shit. Or, I outwardly act like I’m not feeling it, at the very least. But when my friends are feeling something? I affirm the shit out of them. I tell them that it’s okay for them to feel how they’re feeling. I let them talk to me about their feelings until I’m so fucking sick of hearing about it, but I still sit with them and listen to them anyway, because I know what it’s like to be feeling something deeply and to feel like nobody cares or that I’m being stupid.

This happens more for me with good feelings than with bad feelings, though.

To explain a little further: there’s a boy I like. The details of this situation are meant for another post at another time (and only if things work out, of course), but basically, my feeling suppression stems from not wanting to be too hopeful about the situation. Like, what if I end up not liking him as much as I think I do when I get to know him a little more? Or what if, like so many other dudes, he changes his mind about me?

I’ve barely talked to my friends about him. I’ve been letting myself think about him, like, a lot. Which is way more than what I’m comfortable allowing myself to do, because, like I said, don’t want to get those hopes up.

Idk, this is kind of turning into a mumbo-jumbo diary entry weird post, but my point is, I just wish I could allow myself to experience the feelings I’m having without trying to push them away.

 

Endings

Dear Mike,

I’m having an incredibly hard time not hating you right now. However, I realize that you have a life that I’m just not a part of anymore, and I accept that as much as I can bring myself to right now.

You were great for a lot of reasons. You always made me laugh. You cooked awesome meals. You’re incredibly attractive. We were on the same page about a lot of stuff.

But those are just surface things that don’t really help a relationship.

For all those things that we were on the same page about, there’s a long, long list of things that we weren’t.

You took out all your negative emotions on me every. single. fucking. time. Never on the people who actually made you feel that way. Never on the things that made you upset that I had zero fucking control over. Always on me. You’re just like my dad in that way and you and I both know that that just doesn’t fucking fly with me.

Every single “compromise” that we came to was blatantly one-sided. I’m not going to sit here and try to say that you never gave me anything that I wanted and never listened to my opinion because that just wouldn’t be true. But it was never, EVER about what I wanted unless you wanted it too. As soon as we disagreed, you’re the one who always got your way. I guess that’s my fault for loving you enough to allow that shit.

And then you lied to me. After I came clean about my shit to you. That’s the first thing that really hurt.

And then, after all is said and done, I find out that you have a new girlfriend after less than THREE FUCKING MONTHS. I’m fucking pissed. Pissed because of the history that I know you have with her. Pissed because from what I’m seeing on social media, your friends seem to think that she’s been in your life for quite some time, although I’ve only been out of it for what seems like minutes to me. And they seem to love her when I feel like they just thought I was kind of a bitch, even though I’m sorry, but I had pretty good reason to be at times.

I think  the part that hurts me the most is that this just solidifies everything that I was so worried about throughout the last leg of our relationship. With some of your actions it just didn’t really seem like you cared as much as I did. Like maybe you didn’t love me as much as I loved you. And I’m not accusing you of hurting me on purpose or leading me on. I honestly think that you thought you loved me as much as I did you. But I don’t see how that can be true when the thought of being in a relationship with someone else right now sounds so unappetizing to me and here you are moved on and happy.

But you know what? Thank you. Thank you for making me truly realize that you can’t change people. That no matter what you do, or what the situation is, it just doesn’t happen. Thank you for teaching me to recognize the signs when someone doesn’t value you in the same way that you value them.

I know I made mistakes too. That I didn’t do things as well as I should have. I truly do know that I also fucked up in different ways than you and that those ways were not okay, either. And for that I truly am sorry. But it doesn’t make anything that you did or didn’t do any better. It excuses nothing.

If there is one hope I have for you, it’s that you’ve learned something through this. That it’s changed your behavior for the better. That you’ve learned what love truly feels like and how to give someone that love the way that they deserve to be given it. That you don’t do to her what you did to me, even though I hate the history that you two have together and that she was one of the reasons that our relationship fell through.

And honestly, I do hope you’re happy. But I only hope that because I want to be happy too one day and wishing sadness on others is both bad karma and a little too spiteful for me.

But just know that you really hurt me and I hope that if our relationship meant anything at all to you, that you feel at least somewhat responsible for the broken mess that I am right now.

There’s one more thing I want you to know, and that’s how fucking hard it is to deal with this alone. How fucking hard it is to be alone in general, actually. Because after moving on in less than three months I can fucking tell you that you don’t know shit about what this is like. I guess something else that I’m mad about is that I don’t think that’s fair. But I also guess that life isn’t fucking fair, so that’s fitting.

So anyway, have a great life. Have those two kids (and no more than two) that you want so badly and settle down with this new girl if it works out like that. I’ll just be over here hoping that the same thing happens to me when the time is right.

Bye forever,

Jess