Tag: feelings

Hate and Hurt Part 2

This post was meant for it’s debut weeks ago, but as is my life, things don’t always happen how I plan them to happen.

The most popular topic of whatever this blog may be thus far, AKA my ex, still haunts me even almost two years later.

Like I eluded to in my previous post, I think that a negative event happening in your life can effect your feelings toward other events that might otherwise not be a huge deal. Although, even without a death in my family, I feel like I might still make a bigger deal out of this whole situation than it deserves the attention of. But who knows.

Before I start hashing out all the feelings, be warned that this post is largely going to go over things that I feel like I’ve mentioned before. If you’re thinking, “why is dis bitch still obsessing over her ex like two years later? get over it gurl!” I highly advise leaving this page now. Related to this, although I don’t know how much truth there is to this, I have read a lot of  (likely nonscientific) articles and seen statistics such as it takes 18 months to recover from a break-up. I have also seen this “equation” thrown around in several articles that I’ve come across, basically stating that it takes half of the time that you dated a person to get over them after a breakup. So the 4.5 years I spent with my ex would, by these standards, equate to 2.25 years of getting over him, which to be fair, I have not reached yet. My point is that if these articles have any truth behind them, it takes a long ass time to get over a break up. So in my head that kind of justifies my kind of overbearing thoughts of my ex that are still happening.

From what I have gathered from what borders near-excessive creeping but I could also have gathered equally as quickly if I had just scrolled through Facebook (due to my ex and I still having mutual social media friends), my ex is getting married soon. I don’t know an exact date, but I can gather that it’s happening before we ring in 2019. And to his co-worker, who he was “Facebook official”-ly in a relationship with less than three months after we broke up and I moved out of his house. And, quite frankly, I hate him for it.

My ex was, and is, someone I love deeply. There has never been a person who I felt as strongly about as I did/do feel about my ex. Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever in my life had to do by choice, and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t wish I could go back and figure out what to change to make it so that we worked out. But the fact of the matter is that we didn’t work out and that he is getting married to someone who he clearly must really love and I am here on my own left wondering when I’ll get to have something like that.

I don’t think I’ve ever admitted out loud to any of my friends the fact that I still love my ex. I feel like they’d roll their eyes or tell me I was being dumb or something. But I really, truly, still fucking love this man, and I would do anything to make it stop, because it fucking hurts to love someone you can’t have. Do I think that breaking up with him was a mistake? Not necessarily. I think that our relationship was damaged beyond repair and that sometimes what is good for you can hurt. But that doesn’t mean you stop loving someone.

I’m also in this place where, not only are we not together and not only is he getting married to someone else, but every fucking time there has been a glimmer of hope that someone was going to come along and “make me realize why it didn’t work out with anybody else” (him), as the quote goes(ish), I just end up sad and disappointed and longing to feel that love again.

It’s so stupid, but all I want to do is to tell him how I feel. I want him to know. It would help nothing at all and I don’t know why the urge is so strong to do so, but I seriously really feel like I need to tell him how I’m feeling. Although, there is a chance that that’s just the glass of wine I’ve consumed talking.

All I can say is, that I hope this “formula”, this equation for time spent getting over a breakup, is correct in the sense that I only have 4 more months left of feeling like this.

– Jessica

 

 

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Hate and Hurt Part 1

The past several weeks have brought back a lot of negative feelings that hadn’t haunted me in quite some time, except this time, certain feelings of sadness feel like they are more valid than the ones I’ve had in the past.

I lost a man who was very dear to my heart a few weeks ago, and by lost, I’m talking about the death kind of lost. Growing up I was blessed to have all four of my grandparents around and all four of these individuals have had a great impact on me and who I am today. They cared for me as if I was their own child and I always felt like I had two extra sets of parents around. While I still feel blessed to have my mother’s parents around and in this role, it hurts me to know that now both of my father’s parents have left this world and that I will have to go the rest of my lifetime without them here.

I haven’t been back to my parents’ place, where my grandpa lived, since the day of the funeral. It would hit me too hard to be there and to not go down to the living room in the basement to say hi. I don’t know how I’d feel to be there and for my grandpa to not pull himself up the stairs from his space down there to join us for one of my mom’s home-cooked meals. And even after he passed away, I can’t look at that room down there the same anymore. It was arranged differently than how my family put it back after my grandpa’s hospital bed and all the medical equipment was taken away. I can’t remember exactly how it was arranged, but I know it looks different now. But maybe that’s just because I know he isn’t there anymore. I don’t really know.

I thought losing my grandma was hard, and I mean, it was. But this really fucking hit me. The thing about it that gets me is that my dad is an only child and that my grandpa was the only immediate family member he had left besides my mom and my brothers and I. My grandma and grandpa were his whole family for 22 years of his life. I feel so much hurt myself from losing my grandpa, but I think I feel even more hurt for my dad. It can’t be easy for him.

As I think you could guess from my first sentence, there are other less important things that have got me feeling down as well as of late, but they are nothing compared to the loss of a loved one and I just thought that my grandpa was a special enough guy that he deserved his very own post. Stay tuned for the rest of my bad feelings in another post.

But anyway, tell someone you love them tonight, guys. It might be the last time they get to hear it from you.

– Jessica

Thoughts about feelings

I’m noticing more and more that I hold completely different standards for myself than I do for others.

Whenever I start feeling something, I suppress that shit. Or, I outwardly act like I’m not feeling it, at the very least. But when my friends are feeling something? I affirm the shit out of them. I tell them that it’s okay for them to feel how they’re feeling. I let them talk to me about their feelings until I’m so fucking sick of hearing about it, but I still sit with them and listen to them anyway, because I know what it’s like to be feeling something deeply and to feel like nobody cares or that I’m being stupid.

This happens more for me with good feelings than with bad feelings, though.

To explain a little further: there’s a boy I like. The details of this situation are meant for another post at another time (and only if things work out, of course), but basically, my feeling suppression stems from not wanting to be too hopeful about the situation. Like, what if I end up not liking him as much as I think I do when I get to know him a little more? Or what if, like so many other dudes, he changes his mind about me?

I’ve barely talked to my friends about him. I’ve been letting myself think about him, like, a lot. Which is way more than what I’m comfortable allowing myself to do, because, like I said, don’t want to get those hopes up.

Idk, this is kind of turning into a mumbo-jumbo diary entry weird post, but my point is, I just wish I could allow myself to experience the feelings I’m having without trying to push them away.

 

Negativity

I have always thought of myself as a pessimist. When things go bad in my life, I have a really, really hard time finding the good in the situation. If you’ve been reading my blog for any period of time, you probably know this about me.

But this isn’t an aspect of myself that I like or even want to have. I really wish that, when something bad happened, I could see something good in the event. And further, I don’t sit around all day, trying to make something bad out of situations that are actually good. So at least I have that going for me.

So where am I going with this post? Well, today, I have a bit of a rant.

I’ve talked endlessly about my friends and the wonderful people who fill my life who I love dearly. However, I have some friends who, while I stand by the fact that I love them dearly, drive me crazy at times.

This group of friends is always quick to call out my negativity, but when I am around them, negativity is the only thing that comes out of their mouths. They always seem to be in a bad mood, and  the littlest things set them off. They look for the negative in every situation, bring it to light, and don’t ever drop it. They also have a tendency to take out their personal feelings on others, which is something I have a big problem with due to my upbringing and my last relationship. If you are in a bad mood, and I did not put you in the bad mood, do not take it out on me. That is not fair to me, and is an immature way to handle yourself.

Also, these people have a lot of really great things happening in their lives right now. While pretty much every single one of my friends has suffered hardships, both in this group and outside of this group, there are definitely some aspects of my friends lives that are really, really happy and good. I have a hard time seeing why this group doesn’t even seem to at least be thankful for those things?

A part of my issue is a little bit of jealousy. I feel like I don’t have to look for things to be negative about sometimes – that they just happen to me all the time. At least, that’s how it seems to me a lot of the time. But then these people just go out of their way to look for something to complain about when there really isn’t anything to complain about. I wish I had to do that to find something to be upset or pissed off over! I don’t want to minimize anyone’s experiences or feelings, but I just don’t get it.

Phew. I actually feel better now that I’ve finally put my feelings into words out there for the world to hear.

-Jessica

Ruined Progress

I know everyone is probably tired of hearing me talk about my ex. Hell, I’m fucking tired of hearing me talk about my ex. I’m tired of thinking about him, feeling things about him…just fucking tired.

I was getting better. I got to this point where I didn’t really care anymore. Where I didn’t feel the need anymore to glance around at his Facebook profile when his friends would tag him in something. Finding out that he’s engaged now was enough for me to throw in the towel on my creeping for all of eternity.

Until he contacted me.

Let me just go off on a tangent for a minute and say that the State of Michigan is a fucking joke. I have had two other addresses since I lived at his place. I have gone through the tedious experience that is standing in a long ass line out the door thirty minutes before the Secretary of State office opens to change my permanent address both times. Yet for some fucking reason, they send my new license plate tabs to my fucking ex’s house where I haven’t lived in over a year.

So he texted me. Which, good for him for letting me know where they were, because I was getting worried. He also said he had some shit around that was mine still and asked if I wanted it back (which, fucking duh, dude).

So I went there. On my birthday, no less. And I saw him, in person, and talked to him, for the first time in over a year. It was short and cordial, no small talk or anything (side note: he also did not wish me a happy birthday, even though he clearly had to know it was my birthday since he celebrated four of them with me), only lasted long enough for him to hand me my shit and for me to leave.

And it fucking hurt, y’all. It really fucking hurts.

I’m so angry at everything right now. How can it be fair that I end things because I’m not being treated very nicely, and I’m still here, unable to fully move on and feel for anyone else what I felt for him, yet he fucking gets to feel all this happiness? This is just a fucking testimony to what I had always feared to be true: I am the one who felt and who loved and who cared the deepest, while, even if he didn’t realize it or whatever at the time, I was just some placeholder until something better came along. And that’s who I am for every fucking guy who I get with. Just something to keep around until they’re bored or they find someone who they like more. And how can you not even want to have a conversation with me? Know how I’m doing? Idk man.

And I really don’t even care that he’s happy. And it’s not that I’m not in general content with my life. That’s not any of it. But it isn’t fair that he doesn’t have to wonder anymore and that I do. All I know is that I haven’t met “the one” yet. I don’t know when/if/how I will meet him. I have all this wondering to do.

I hear all of these people telling me “once you stop looking, it’ll happen!” Yet, I was never looking, I’m not looking at all now, and it definitely hasn’t happened. Not that I’m itching to jump into another relationship right now. But I just wish I could know when this bullshit emotional roller coaster is going to end and when I’m going to meet the one who will make me move the fuck on, or if I’m not going to meet him, just know when I’m going to stop giving a shit.

Stay tuned, I guess.

-Jessica

The First Hiccup of 2018

I haven’t had any contact with my ex in nearly a year. Once he hurried into a new relationship, it wasn’t long before I was completely unfriended on every form of social media. However, I’m still friends with the majority of his friends on Facebook, Snapchat, etc. So I see things about him every once in a while.

Well, last night, I accidentally stumbled upon something that part of me wishes I hadn’t, but part of me is glad to know: he’s engaged. He has in fact been engaged for months now. It happened that fast.

Part of me is asking a million questions in my head. Why so fast? Why so willing to spend forever with her when he made excuses to delay that step with me? What’s so good about her that made this such a quick and easy choice for him? And so on.

Part of me thinks that my stumbling upon this discovery was no accident. Maybe there is a reason I found this, that something in the universe knew that this is something that I needed in order to really know that him and I are a thing of the past. Not that I was blissfully unaware of this fact before or hoping he would come back to me or anything like that. Just like…it makes me a little mad. Mad that he couldn’t care about me the way he does her when that’s all I so desperately wanted in our relationship. It makes me mad enough to never want to accidentally stumble upon anything about him or her ever again.

He has every right to move on and be happy, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not going to sit here and pretend like this doesn’t fucking hurt. Seeing this person who you really care about, who you would 100% still be with if you hadn’t been miserable, just latch on to another person so quickly and care about them in ways that you had longed for so badly from them, it feels shitty. It makes me feel like he was dishonest and that he knew he was wasting my fucking time, no matter how irrational that is.

I slept like shit after I found out last night, and honestly, I am anticipating a similar evening tonight. But we’ll see.

Other than this, though, 2018 has actually been treating me well so far. I’m trying to change my attitude a little bit and remember that it’s early in the year, and that one bad thing this early on won’t make or break anything. We’ll see how things progress.

Stay tuned.

-Jessica

Happiness IS a destination if you just aren’t happy.

People keep telling me to stop viewing happiness as a destination that I need to get to. “Be happy with what you have in the now, and everything else will fall into place.”

I bet anyone who has read even a sentence of any other post I’ve made can know without me having to tell you that I think this is bullshit.

I do not HAVE to like things as they are right now. I don’t have to FORCE myself to feel a feeling that I’m not feeling.

But on the same note, that doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful. That my unhappiness with things can’t fuel my drive to get myself to a place where I am happy. That I’m not trying my damnedest to think positively about the way things are or are going to be.

Things don’t just magically work how you want them to work because you try to trick yourself into being happy with all the shit that gets thrown your way. You can go into a situation with the most positive of attitudes and realize that you were an idiot and that everything is terrible. You can go into a situation with a complete shit attitude and come out realizing that you were an idiot because everything is great now.

Life is unpredictable, and too short to stay in a situation trying to force yourself to be happy about it when you just aren’t.

And maybe this is just my inner, currently very discouraged self talking…and I say CURRENTLY because I am working hard to get out of this mindset. Toward the destination that people tell me shouldn’t be considered a destination, I guess.

Jessica