Tag: feelings

Happiness IS a destination if you just aren’t happy.

People keep telling me to stop viewing happiness as a destination that I need to get to. “Be happy with what you have in the now, and everything else will fall into place.”

I bet anyone who has read even a sentence of any other post I’ve made can know without me having to tell you that I think this is bullshit.

I do not HAVE to like things as they are right now. I don’t have to FORCE myself to feel a feeling that I’m not feeling.

But on the same note, that doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful. That my unhappiness with things can’t fuel my drive to get myself to a place where I am happy. That I’m not trying my damnedest to think positively about the way things are or are going to be.

Things don’t just magically work how you want them to work because you try to trick yourself into being happy with all the shit that gets thrown your way. You can go into a situation with the most positive of attitudes and realize that you were an idiot and that everything is terrible. You can go into a situation with a complete shit attitude and come out realizing that you were an idiot because everything is great now.

Life is unpredictable, and too short to stay in a situation trying to force yourself to be happy about it when you just aren’t.

And maybe this is just my inner, currently very discouraged self talking…and I say CURRENTLY because I am working hard to get out of this mindset. Toward the destination that people tell me shouldn’t be considered a destination, I guess.

Jessica

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People always surprise me.

I have major trust issues, because if you can’t trust a person who you were with for years and building a life with, you sure as fuck can’t trust a lot of people. But now someone has come along who is half changing that.

One of my best friends got married last night and this guy I’ve been hanging out with drove 40 minutes up to the wedding venue at midnight to pick me up, hung out with my friends and I, and got a hotel room with me.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that my ex would have NEVER done that. He would have complained about even having to come to the wedding with me. He would have never been willing to drive up after and hang out with me if he hadn’t been there in the first place.

It’s just crazy to me that someone who I’m not even in a relationship with would do that when my ex wouldn’t have. I’m like in awe. Especially because recently I’ve been really questioning whether or not he’s even into me at all and I feel like I have the answer to that question now haha.

I still don’t want to go getting my hopes up about anything, but they’re getting a tad elevated in regards to this situation. I haven’t had a guy do something that made me that happy in a long time, and although I don’t want my happiness depending on the actions of another person, it was nice to feel that again and I kind of hope it keeps happening for at least a little while.

-Jessica

New Year, New Me

But for real this time.

The last two weeks have been shit. Have there been some good times, yes. I guess there’s always good times if you look hard enough.

The last two weeks have brought me two different situations, both of which hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before. And it’s been really, really hard. And I thought that the outcome was going to be the same as it always is: with me doing stupid things and making bad choices and disliking the outcome of something that I’d brought upon myself.

But then that didn’t happen. I controlled myself. I dealt with things like an adult. And here I am today, actually feeling good about my night last night. Not regretting anything. Even kind of happy to a point…or, at least, happier than I have been in a long, long time.

So I’m thinking that maybe this will be my year. Just maybe. I hate being too positive because I feel like I’m always disappointed when I am. But who knows. Maybe I’ll try being positive because that’s new for me, too. It’s just day 1, after all. We have 364 more to see where things go.

2016 was honestly the worst year of my life, personally. Or at least, the last few months of it were. There were some good things that happened earlier in the year, and even small good things near the end too, but I just can’t convince myself that they outweigh the bad things right now. But I also wouldn’t trade the bad things that happened, because I’m sure eventually I’ll realize that I learned things from them and blah blah blah whatever. But those bad things fucking sucked. They really, truly did. They truly broke me. But I’m alive, I know I can handle anything this life might throw at me, I’ve learned that it’s okay to allow myself to grieve when I need to, and I know that there’s no fucking way that 2017 can be even a tiny bit worse than 2016 was.

So there you have it. My admission that I think I’m going to be okay. That I’m feeling good. That things are looking up. I can’t change what has happened to me but I can hope for the best in the future.

No resolutions for me this year because I’ve decided that I don’t need a new year to change things and I don’t want to do things the way I’ve done them in the past. I just want to allow the changes to come as they will. But I do want to start doing things differently. Like writing on here more, because I think it’s therapeutic and that I have some things to get out that I haven’t had a chance to yet.

I guess we’ll see where things go from here. Stay tuned to find out what happens.

-Jessica

I’m so over everything.

Today someone said to me, “Wow, you’re in a bad mood today. There’s no reason to get this upset over an election. Sometimes we can’t always get what we want and things don’t work out.”

LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS REAL QUICK:

I have not had a great last couple of months. In fact, I have often referred to my life as a “pile of garbage” or “trash can” or “joke” on numerous occasions, because things are not great for me right now.

I, of all people, AM FUCKING AWARE of the fact that sometimes we cannot have what we would like in life. I am literally alone and broker than fuck and hurting like hell right now. You don’t need to tell me about how the world doesn’t always go my way, because trust me, I fucking get it.

My school work is suffering. My motivation is plummeting. I have no feelings of hope or that anything will ever be good again right now. I’m not necessarily sad, just completely numb to any emotions whatsoever. I feel blank and empty and alone.

And guess what? I don’t want to sit here and make myself feel okay when I don’t. I want to let myself be down for a little bit here and there. I want to let myself feel what I’m feeling so that I can know it’s happening when I finally do really start to feel better. I want to let this grieving process happen. I don’t want to just make myself be happy when I’m fucking not. I want to feel the bad so that the good can really feel good when it finally starts to happen.

So for the love of God, stop with the “power of positive thinking” hippie shit, stop trying to guilt me with the “people have it worse than you” bull, stop pointing out the obvious, and just let me be, let me feel, let me have some space to think about it all.

Side note, Trump winning the election doesn’t exactly help my mood by any means. It’s definitely a factor to consider in my mood on this particular day. But, I don’t know, that comment earlier just really made me lose my shit. I’m just having one of my rough days, I guess.

But anyway, I hope everyone has a little bit of a better night that I am.

-Jessica

When your ex kind of wants to hang out

So clearly after 4.5 years of being with someone, you’re going to feel weird when you break up. Its going to be cray. You’re going to have mixed emotions. But eventually, you’ll feel normal again and things will get better, right?

Well it isn’t that simple when you have yet to go more than 5 days without talking to him and then he hits you up because you got a bunch of mail at his house so he wants to come deliver it to you and see the cats.

I mean, I want my mail, so I have to see him anyway. And it isn’t like I hate him or anything. But damn, I feel like I just need a few weeks without hearing from him so I can get used to life without him and start feeling normal again.

Then again, I’m probably really not going about trying to get over him appropriately anyway, since it mostly involves trying to rebound but not actually wanting anything serious out of it. And also alcohol. It involves alcohol, too.

UHG BUT ANYWAY sorry for yet another diary entry, and also sorry that this blog has like no substance or good content lately. I just am trying to live life and adjust to new things and what not.

Well anyway hopefully things get less weird.

Peace –

Jessica