The past several weeks have brought back a lot of negative feelings that hadn’t haunted me in quite some time, except this time, certain feelings of sadness feel like they are more valid than the ones I’ve had in the past.
I lost a man who was very dear to my heart a few weeks ago, and by lost, I’m talking about the death kind of lost. Growing up I was blessed to have all four of my grandparents around and all four of these individuals have had a great impact on me and who I am today. They cared for me as if I was their own child and I always felt like I had two extra sets of parents around. While I still feel blessed to have my mother’s parents around and in this role, it hurts me to know that now both of my father’s parents have left this world and that I will have to go the rest of my lifetime without them here.
I haven’t been back to my parents’ place, where my grandpa lived, since the day of the funeral. It would hit me too hard to be there and to not go down to the living room in the basement to say hi. I don’t know how I’d feel to be there and for my grandpa to not pull himself up the stairs from his space down there to join us for one of my mom’s home-cooked meals. And even after he passed away, I can’t look at that room down there the same anymore. It was arranged differently than how my family put it back after my grandpa’s hospital bed and all the medical equipment was taken away. I can’t remember exactly how it was arranged, but I know it looks different now. But maybe that’s just because I know he isn’t there anymore. I don’t really know.
I thought losing my grandma was hard, and I mean, it was. But this really fucking hit me. The thing about it that gets me is that my dad is an only child and that my grandpa was the only immediate family member he had left besides my mom and my brothers and I. My grandma and grandpa were his whole family for 22 years of his life. I feel so much hurt myself from losing my grandpa, but I think I feel even more hurt for my dad. It can’t be easy for him.
As I think you could guess from my first sentence, there are other less important things that have got me feeling down as well as of late, but they are nothing compared to the loss of a loved one and I just thought that my grandpa was a special enough guy that he deserved his very own post. Stay tuned for the rest of my bad feelings in another post.
But anyway, tell someone you love them tonight, guys. It might be the last time they get to hear it from you.