Tag: hurt

Ruined Progress

I know everyone is probably tired of hearing me talk about my ex. Hell, I’m fucking tired of hearing me talk about my ex. I’m tired of thinking about him, feeling things about him…just fucking tired.

I was getting better. I got to this point where I didn’t really care anymore. Where I didn’t feel the need anymore to glance around at his Facebook profile when his friends would tag him in something. Finding out that he’s engaged now was enough for me to throw in the towel on my creeping for all of eternity.

Until he contacted me.

Let me just go off on a tangent for a minute and say that the State of Michigan is a fucking joke. I have had two other addresses since I lived at his place. I have gone through the tedious experience that is standing in a long ass line out the door thirty minutes before the Secretary of State office opens to change my permanent address both times. Yet for some fucking reason, they send my new license plate tabs to my fucking ex’s house where I haven’t lived in over a year.

So he texted me. Which, good for him for letting me know where they were, because I was getting worried. He also said he had some shit around that was mine still and asked if I wanted it back (which, fucking duh, dude).

So I went there. On my birthday, no less. And I saw him, in person, and talked to him, for the first time in over a year. It was short and cordial, no small talk or anything (side note: he also did not wish me a happy birthday, even though he clearly had to know it was my birthday since he celebrated four of them with me), only lasted long enough for him to hand me my shit and for me to leave.

And it fucking hurt, y’all. It really fucking hurts.

I’m so angry at everything right now. How can it be fair that I end things because I’m not being treated very nicely, and I’m still here, unable to fully move on and feel for anyone else what I felt for him, yet he fucking gets to feel all this happiness? This is just a fucking testimony to what I had always feared to be true: I am the one who felt and who loved and who cared the deepest, while, even if he didn’t realize it or whatever at the time, I was just some placeholder until something better came along. And that’s who I am for every fucking guy who I get with. Just something to keep around until they’re bored or they find someone who they like more. And how can you not even want to have a conversation with me? Know how I’m doing? Idk man.

And I really don’t even care that he’s happy. And it’s not that I’m not in general content with my life. That’s not any of it. But it isn’t fair that he doesn’t have to wonder anymore and that I do. All I know is that I haven’t met “the one” yet. I don’t know when/if/how I will meet him. I have all this wondering to do.

I hear all of these people telling me “once you stop looking, it’ll happen!” Yet, I was never looking, I’m not looking at all now, and it definitely hasn’t happened. Not that I’m itching to jump into another relationship right now. But I just wish I could know when this bullshit emotional roller coaster is going to end and when I’m going to meet the one who will make me move the fuck on, or if I’m not going to meet him, just know when I’m going to stop giving a shit.

Stay tuned, I guess.

-Jessica

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The problem with dating in your mid-20’s

Every single one of us has had a long-term relationship that ended recently and we aren’t happy about it.

Everyone has this bad attitude about dating because they were “fucked over” in their last relationship.

Everyone who has that bad attitude thinks that it’s okay to treat other people like trash because of how they were treated in their past relationship. Or at least, that’s how they feel that they were treated.

So it ruins everyone for an undetermined period of time. People act in self-destructive ways. Or sometimes people just plain play games with each other.

I hate it so much. I hate games. I hate not being straightforward. I hate not knowing what is going through a person’s head when they are acting so all over the place with their feelings.

I just want someone to act toward me the way that I act toward them and it’s not fair.

-Jessica

Endings

Dear Mike,

I’m having an incredibly hard time not hating you right now. However, I realize that you have a life that I’m just not a part of anymore, and I accept that as much as I can bring myself to right now.

You were great for a lot of reasons. You always made me laugh. You cooked awesome meals. You’re incredibly attractive. We were on the same page about a lot of stuff.

But those are just surface things that don’t really help a relationship.

For all those things that we were on the same page about, there’s a long, long list of things that we weren’t.

You took out all your negative emotions on me every. single. fucking. time. Never on the people who actually made you feel that way. Never on the things that made you upset that I had zero fucking control over. Always on me. You’re just like my dad in that way and you and I both know that that just doesn’t fucking fly with me.

Every single “compromise” that we came to was blatantly one-sided. I’m not going to sit here and try to say that you never gave me anything that I wanted and never listened to my opinion because that just wouldn’t be true. But it was never, EVER about what I wanted unless you wanted it too. As soon as we disagreed, you’re the one who always got your way. I guess that’s my fault for loving you enough to allow that shit.

And then you lied to me. After I came clean about my shit to you. That’s the first thing that really hurt.

And then, after all is said and done, I find out that you have a new girlfriend after less than THREE FUCKING MONTHS. I’m fucking pissed. Pissed because of the history that I know you have with her. Pissed because from what I’m seeing on social media, your friends seem to think that she’s been in your life for quite some time, although I’ve only been out of it for what seems like minutes to me. And they seem to love her when I feel like they just thought I was kind of a bitch, even though I’m sorry, but I had pretty good reason to be at times.

I think ┬áthe part that hurts me the most is that this just solidifies everything that I was so worried about throughout the last leg of our relationship. With some of your actions it just didn’t really seem like you cared as much as I did. Like maybe you didn’t love me as much as I loved you. And I’m not accusing you of hurting me on purpose or leading me on. I honestly think that you thought you loved me as much as I did you. But I don’t see how that can be true when the thought of being in a relationship with someone else right now sounds so unappetizing to me and here you are moved on and happy.

But you know what? Thank you. Thank you for making me truly realize that you can’t change people. That no matter what you do, or what the situation is, it just doesn’t happen. Thank you for teaching me to recognize the signs when someone doesn’t value you in the same way that you value them.

I know I made mistakes too. That I didn’t do things as well as I should have. I truly do know that I also fucked up in different ways than you and that those ways were not okay, either. And for that I truly am sorry. But it doesn’t make anything that you did or didn’t do any better. It excuses nothing.

If there is one hope I have for you, it’s that you’ve learned something through this. That it’s changed your behavior for the better. That you’ve learned what love truly feels like and how to give someone that love the way that they deserve to be given it. That you don’t do to her what you did to me, even though I hate the history that you two have together and that she was one of the reasons that our relationship fell through.

And honestly, I do hope you’re happy. But I only hope that because I want to be happy too one day and wishing sadness on others is both bad karma and a little too spiteful for me.

But just know that you really hurt me and I hope that if our relationship meant anything at all to you, that you feel at least somewhat responsible for the broken mess that I am right now.

There’s one more thing I want you to know, and that’s how fucking hard it is to deal with this alone. How fucking hard it is to be alone in general, actually. Because after moving on in less than three months I can fucking tell you that you don’t know shit about what this is like. I guess something else that I’m mad about is that I don’t think that’s fair. But I also guess that life isn’t fucking fair, so that’s fitting.

So anyway, have a great life. Have those two kids (and no more than two) that you want so badly and settle down with this new girl if it works out like that. I’ll just be over here hoping that the same thing happens to me when the time is right.

Bye forever,

Jess

New Year, New Me

But for real this time.

The last two weeks have been shit. Have there been some good times, yes. I guess there’s always good times if you look hard enough.

The last two weeks have brought me two different situations, both of which hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before. And it’s been really, really hard. And I thought that the outcome was going to be the same as it always is: with me doing stupid things and making bad choices and disliking the outcome of something that I’d brought upon myself.

But then that didn’t happen. I controlled myself. I dealt with things like an adult. And here I am today, actually feeling good about my night last night. Not regretting anything. Even kind of happy to a point…or, at least, happier than I have been in a long, long time.

So I’m thinking that maybe this will be my year. Just maybe. I hate being too positive because I feel like I’m always disappointed when I am. But who knows. Maybe I’ll try being positive because that’s new for me, too. It’s just day 1, after all. We have 364 more to see where things go.

2016 was honestly the worst year of my life, personally. Or at least, the last few months of it were. There were some good things that happened earlier in the year, and even small good things near the end too, but I just can’t convince myself that they outweigh the bad things right now. But I also wouldn’t trade the bad things that happened, because I’m sure eventually I’ll realize that I learned things from them and blah blah blah whatever. But those bad things fucking sucked. They really, truly did. They truly broke me. But I’m alive, I know I can handle anything this life might throw at me, I’ve learned that it’s okay to allow myself to grieve when I need to, and I know that there’s no fucking way that 2017 can be even a tiny bit worse than 2016 was.

So there you have it. My admission that I think I’m going to be okay. That I’m feeling good. That things are looking up. I can’t change what has happened to me but I can hope for the best in the future.

No resolutions for me this year because I’ve decided that I don’t need a new year to change things and I don’t want to do things the way I’ve done them in the past. I just want to allow the changes to come as they will. But I do want to start doing things differently. Like writing on here more, because I think it’s therapeutic and that I have some things to get out that I haven’t had a chance to yet.

I guess we’ll see where things go from here. Stay tuned to find out what happens.

-Jessica