Tag: Life

Finding Myself

It’s been a long journey, these last 15/16 months.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the past over the last couple days, as well as what I want my future to be. And I’ve been reflecting a lot on myself as well and where I was, where I’m at now, and where I want to be.

I still have questions, and I’m still my typical, cynical self. But while I have a ways to go, I realize that I’ve come a long way, and that I need to take the time to recognize this.

I’m more open to having a real relationship now than I was before. But yet, I’m more content than ever being on my own. I’ve realized, because of events that have happened over the last couple of weeks, that I’m no longer in a space in my mind where I’m receiving all of my happiness from other people.

I’ve also found ways to cope and spend my time, like through actual hobbies! I’ve never had many hobbies before, but in recent months I’ve been getting into tarot and astrology. I’m reading more. I’m crocheting a blanket for myself. I’m just doing more things on my own and actually liking it.

I feel like tarot and astrology also give me some guidance and hope for things, too. It’s so interesting, because I will pull cards and feel negatively about them, but then look at the meaning and the meaning will be positive. I feel like my actual life is a lot like that, like, I will think something is going to be very negative, but it will always turn out okay in the end.

This year has sucked nearly as much as 2016 did, if not more. And of course, there are still things going on in my personal life that are hard. Like, really hard. And that are so much bigger than me or any of my problems (but that’s for another post, because I want to try and keep this one on the more positive side). But I’m really, truly feeling better about myself, my life, and the things that are to happen now for me.

-Jessica

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Happiness IS a destination if you just aren’t happy.

People keep telling me to stop viewing happiness as a destination that I need to get to. “Be happy with what you have in the now, and everything else will fall into place.”

I bet anyone who has read even a sentence of any other post I’ve made can know without me having to tell you that I think this is bullshit.

I do not HAVE to like things as they are right now. I don’t have to FORCE myself to feel a feeling that I’m not feeling.

But on the same note, that doesn’t mean I’m not hopeful. That my unhappiness with things can’t fuel my drive to get myself to a place where I am happy. That I’m not trying my damnedest to think positively about the way things are or are going to be.

Things don’t just magically work how you want them to work because you try to trick yourself into being happy with all the shit that gets thrown your way. You can go into a situation with the most positive of attitudes and realize that you were an idiot and that everything is terrible. You can go into a situation with a complete shit attitude and come out realizing that you were an idiot because everything is great now.

Life is unpredictable, and too short to stay in a situation trying to force yourself to be happy about it when you just aren’t.

And maybe this is just my inner, currently very discouraged self talking…and I say CURRENTLY because I am working hard to get out of this mindset. Toward the destination that people tell me shouldn’t be considered a destination, I guess.

Jessica

People always surprise me.

I have major trust issues, because if you can’t trust a person who you were with for years and building a life with, you sure as fuck can’t trust a lot of people. But now someone has come along who is half changing that.

One of my best friends got married last night and this guy I’ve been hanging out with drove 40 minutes up to the wedding venue at midnight to pick me up, hung out with my friends and I, and got a hotel room with me.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that my ex would have NEVER done that. He would have complained about even having to come to the wedding with me. He would have never been willing to drive up after and hang out with me if he hadn’t been there in the first place.

It’s just crazy to me that someone who I’m not even in a relationship with would do that when my ex wouldn’t have. I’m like in awe. Especially because recently I’ve been really questioning whether or not he’s even into me at all and I feel like I have the answer to that question now haha.

I still don’t want to go getting my hopes up about anything, but they’re getting a tad elevated in regards to this situation. I haven’t had a guy do something that made me that happy in a long time, and although I don’t want my happiness depending on the actions of another person, it was nice to feel that again and I kind of hope it keeps happening for at least a little while.

-Jessica

You’d think it’d be easier at this point.

Since my break-up I’ve really learned the meaning of the term “old habits die hard”.

I saw an old friend of Mike’s at the bar the other night and she came up to me and asked about the break-up and how I was doing. We hadn’t hung out with her in a couple years, at least since Mike graduated (she had been a classmate of his). After we chatted for a while and went our separate ways, I immediately got my phone out to text Mike saying, “Hey, guess who I just saw at the bar?”

Of course I stopped myself before I even typed his name into my phone. But it really hit me that he’s still that person for me. The first person I want to text when something good happens. The first person I want to tell things to. This one impulsive moment really made me realize that after four and a half years, I was still in this weird habit where he’s my number one go-to, even though he’s completely removed himself from my life.

It makes me wonder if he has moments like those, ya know?

And it’s weird, because I really don’t want to be with him like that. I really have moved on from that relationship and want a fresh start. But yet these little moments are still happening every once in a while.

I guess I’m probably just still healing from it all. I probably shouldn’t overthink stuff like this and just let things run their course. But of course, that’s easier said than done, I suppose.

-Jessica

Life Update

So here’s what’s been happening since January:

I’m still single and I still like it that way because I still don’t want a relationship. Everything’s chill. Although I’ve been chatting it up with a couple of guys. We’ll see what happens with that.

I got awarded another graduate assistantship for next year! Which means my tuition is covered and I will be making money! And it also means that I have now had at least one stroke of luck, so things may be looking up for me!

I’m going to Firefly Music Festival and Mo Pop Music Festival this summer! I’ve been trying to go to Firefly for YEARS, and I finally convinced one of my friends to go with me! I can’t wait!

My kitten turned a year old! He’s still an asshole though so don’t get too excited. I also bought a laser¬†pointer. I had never tried using one to play with the cats before and it’s crazy how much they love it!

School has been fucking insane this semester. I’m glad that there is only one week left not including finals because I’m about over it!

If you want to see an accurate depiction of my life click here

And that’s about how my brain is functioning this semester.

I might get a nannying job for a little baby this summer! I love babies and this one seems like he’s pretty easy so I’m excited if it all works out!

And that’s about it. Things are good. I’m hoping that will all my fun plans this summer they get even better, and I even think that I’ll be making even more plans as time goes on! We will see.

But for now, back to finishing my four assignments that are all due on Tuesday of next week…

-Jessica

My life is a lecture opportunity

…or at least, that’s how it seems at times when I see my family.

Apparently, it’s not okay for me to be happy with where my life is at right now in certain aspects.

But, when I’m not happy about where my life is at, that’s not okay either and I need to be more positive. Like what?

Is there ever going to be an age that I get to where my family quits thinking that I need their bullshit “guidance” on every little aspect of my life? When you pretend I don’t exist for two weeks at a time and I don’t die then I feel like that means that I’m doing just fine and probably don’t need you to tell me that if I had a boyfriend I’d be much happier or that if I had a dog instead of a cat my life would be better or whatever else everyone keeps telling me. And yeah, that’s the kind of stuff they hound me about, literally just talking shit about my single with cats lifestyle. Which I am very happy with, thank you very much!

Well anyway, that’s my venting session after pretty much not logging onto this website in four months. Now that my semester is coming to an end you may very well be hearing from me more often, because I haven’t particularly had free time due to the craziness of my semester. Maybe I’ll even post an update about my life later this week since it’s been so long (except for spoiler alert: nothing much has happened so don’t get too excited). We’ll see.

-Jessica