Tag: Life

You’d think it’d be easier at this point.

Since my break-up I’ve really learned the meaning of the term “old habits die hard”.

I saw an old friend of Mike’s at the bar the other night and she came up to me and asked about the break-up and how I was doing. We hadn’t hung out with her in a couple years, at least since Mike graduated (she had been a classmate of his). After we chatted for a while and went our separate ways, I immediately got my phone out to text Mike saying, “Hey, guess who I just saw at the bar?”

Of course I stopped myself before I even typed his name into my phone. But it really hit me that he’s still that person for me. The first person I want to text when something good happens. The first person I want to tell things to. This one impulsive moment really made me realize that after four and a half years, I was still in this weird habit where he’s my number one go-to, even though he’s completely removed himself from my life.

It makes me wonder if he has moments like those, ya know?

And it’s weird, because I really don’t want to be with him like that. I really have moved on from that relationship and want a fresh start. But yet these little moments are still happening every once in a while.

I guess I’m probably just still healing from it all. I probably shouldn’t overthink stuff like this and just let things run their course. But of course, that’s easier said than done, I suppose.

-Jessica

Life Update

So here’s what’s been happening since January:

I’m still single and I still like it that way because I still don’t want a relationship. Everything’s chill. Although I’ve been chatting it up with a couple of guys. We’ll see what happens with that.

I got awarded another graduate assistantship for next year! Which means my tuition is covered and I will be making money! And it also means that I have now had at least one stroke of luck, so things may be looking up for me!

I’m going to Firefly Music Festival and Mo Pop Music Festival this summer! I’ve been trying to go to Firefly for YEARS, and I finally convinced one of my friends to go with me! I can’t wait!

My kitten turned a year old! He’s still an asshole though so don’t get too excited. I also bought a laser pointer. I had never tried using one to play with the cats before and it’s crazy how much they love it!

School has been fucking insane this semester. I’m glad that there is only one week left not including finals because I’m about over it!

If you want to see an accurate depiction of my life click here

And that’s about how my brain is functioning this semester.

I might get a nannying job for a little baby this summer! I love babies and this one seems like he’s pretty easy so I’m excited if it all works out!

And that’s about it. Things are good. I’m hoping that will all my fun plans this summer they get even better, and I even think that I’ll be making even more plans as time goes on! We will see.

But for now, back to finishing my four assignments that are all due on Tuesday of next week…

-Jessica

My life is a lecture opportunity

…or at least, that’s how it seems at times when I see my family.

Apparently, it’s not okay for me to be happy with where my life is at right now in certain aspects.

But, when I’m not happy about where my life is at, that’s not okay either and I need to be more positive. Like what?

Is there ever going to be an age that I get to where my family quits thinking that I need their bullshit “guidance” on every little aspect of my life? When you pretend I don’t exist for two weeks at a time and I don’t die then I feel like that means that I’m doing just fine and probably don’t need you to tell me that if I had a boyfriend I’d be much happier or that if I had a dog instead of a cat my life would be better or whatever else everyone keeps telling me. And yeah, that’s the kind of stuff they hound me about, literally just talking shit about my single with cats lifestyle. Which I am very happy with, thank you very much!

Well anyway, that’s my venting session after pretty much not logging onto this website in four months. Now that my semester is coming to an end you may very well be hearing from me more often, because I haven’t particularly had free time due to the craziness of my semester. Maybe I’ll even post an update about my life later this week since it’s been so long (except for spoiler alert: nothing much has happened so don’t get too excited). We’ll see.

-Jessica

Mixed Feelings

You know that feeling you get when a certain food just seems incredibly unappetizing to you? Like if its made you sick before or something? Well that’s how I feel about relationships right now. Like when someone asks me “are you dating right now?” or if I want a boyfriend I just get this disgusted look that uncontrollably spreads across my face before I say “Eh, not really”.

Which is NORMAL, since I have been single for all of three months after a long, rough relationship. Unless you’re my ex, apparently. -__-

I just don’t understand how one thing can just consume all of my thoughts and actions and make me so bitter and hateful. It isn’t fair.

While I have been feeling better about everything lately and I have been more open to hanging out with guys and maybe dating or what not, I still have a hard time with everything because I just know that no situation with any guy is going to go anywhere and I don’t want to give these guys the wrong idea. But I also don’t really want to be super forward about not wanting anything serious either because that might make me seem like I’m like a player or something.

I just want to find someone who’s on the same page as me. Like just someone I can hang out with and chill with and be around when I’m feeling lonely. It might not be the healthiest thing for me but I’m just tired of sitting around by myself on my friends’ date nights with their boyfriends and what not. Because I’m honestly like the only one of my friends without a boyfriend at this point and so sometimes I just feel like I need some sort of connection like that.

I also wonder when I’ll even want to be in a relationship again. Like if I’ll get to a point where I want a boyfriend and want to start seriously dating again, or if I’ll just kind of meet the right person and want to be with them. I kind of hate not knowing the future but I also am surprisingly content with being single right now.

I’m actually excited to start school tomorrow because it will give me something else to think about besides boys and relationships and all that bullshit. I need something to distract me from all of that right now and I need something important to focus my energy on.

So we’ll see how this goes now.

-Jessica

New Year, New Me

But for real this time.

The last two weeks have been shit. Have there been some good times, yes. I guess there’s always good times if you look hard enough.

The last two weeks have brought me two different situations, both of which hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before. And it’s been really, really hard. And I thought that the outcome was going to be the same as it always is: with me doing stupid things and making bad choices and disliking the outcome of something that I’d brought upon myself.

But then that didn’t happen. I controlled myself. I dealt with things like an adult. And here I am today, actually feeling good about my night last night. Not regretting anything. Even kind of happy to a point…or, at least, happier than I have been in a long, long time.

So I’m thinking that maybe this will be my year. Just maybe. I hate being too positive because I feel like I’m always disappointed when I am. But who knows. Maybe I’ll try being positive because that’s new for me, too. It’s just day 1, after all. We have 364 more to see where things go.

2016 was honestly the worst year of my life, personally. Or at least, the last few months of it were. There were some good things that happened earlier in the year, and even small good things near the end too, but I just can’t convince myself that they outweigh the bad things right now. But I also wouldn’t trade the bad things that happened, because I’m sure eventually I’ll realize that I learned things from them and blah blah blah whatever. But those bad things fucking sucked. They really, truly did. They truly broke me. But I’m alive, I know I can handle anything this life might throw at me, I’ve learned that it’s okay to allow myself to grieve when I need to, and I know that there’s no fucking way that 2017 can be even a tiny bit worse than 2016 was.

So there you have it. My admission that I think I’m going to be okay. That I’m feeling good. That things are looking up. I can’t change what has happened to me but I can hope for the best in the future.

No resolutions for me this year because I’ve decided that I don’t need a new year to change things and I don’t want to do things the way I’ve done them in the past. I just want to allow the changes to come as they will. But I do want to start doing things differently. Like writing on here more, because I think it’s therapeutic and that I have some things to get out that I haven’t had a chance to yet.

I guess we’ll see where things go from here. Stay tuned to find out what happens.

-Jessica

I’m so over everything.

Today someone said to me, “Wow, you’re in a bad mood today. There’s no reason to get this upset over an election. Sometimes we can’t always get what we want and things don’t work out.”

LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS REAL QUICK:

I have not had a great last couple of months. In fact, I have often referred to my life as a “pile of garbage” or “trash can” or “joke” on numerous occasions, because things are not great for me right now.

I, of all people, AM FUCKING AWARE of the fact that sometimes we cannot have what we would like in life. I am literally alone and broker than fuck and hurting like hell right now. You don’t need to tell me about how the world doesn’t always go my way, because trust me, I fucking get it.

My school work is suffering. My motivation is plummeting. I have no feelings of hope or that anything will ever be good again right now. I’m not necessarily sad, just completely numb to any emotions whatsoever. I feel blank and empty and alone.

And guess what? I don’t want to sit here and make myself feel okay when I don’t. I want to let myself be down for a little bit here and there. I want to let myself feel what I’m feeling so that I can know it’s happening when I finally do really start to feel better. I want to let this grieving process happen. I don’t want to just make myself be happy when I’m fucking not. I want to feel the bad so that the good can really feel good when it finally starts to happen.

So for the love of God, stop with the “power of positive thinking” hippie shit, stop trying to guilt me with the “people have it worse than you” bull, stop pointing out the obvious, and just let me be, let me feel, let me have some space to think about it all.

Side note, Trump winning the election doesn’t exactly help my mood by any means. It’s definitely a factor to consider in my mood on this particular day. But, I don’t know, that comment earlier just really made me lose my shit. I’m just having one of my rough days, I guess.

But anyway, I hope everyone has a little bit of a better night that I am.

-Jessica

When your ex kind of wants to hang out

So clearly after 4.5 years of being with someone, you’re going to feel weird when you break up. Its going to be cray. You’re going to have mixed emotions. But eventually, you’ll feel normal again and things will get better, right?

Well it isn’t that simple when you have yet to go more than 5 days without talking to him and then he hits you up because you got a bunch of mail at his house so he wants to come deliver it to you and see the cats.

I mean, I want my mail, so I have to see him anyway. And it isn’t like I hate him or anything. But damn, I feel like I just need a few weeks without hearing from him so I can get used to life without him and start feeling normal again.

Then again, I’m probably really not going about trying to get over him appropriately anyway, since it mostly involves trying to rebound but not actually wanting anything serious out of it. And also alcohol. It involves alcohol, too.

UHG BUT ANYWAY sorry for yet another diary entry, and also sorry that this blog has like no substance or good content lately. I just am trying to live life and adjust to new things and what not.

Well anyway hopefully things get less weird.

Peace –

Jessica