Tag: positive

New Year, New Me

But for real this time.

The last two weeks have been shit. Have there been some good times, yes. I guess there’s always good times if you look hard enough.

The last two weeks have brought me two different situations, both of which hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before. And it’s been really, really hard. And I thought that the outcome was going to be the same as it always is: with me doing stupid things and making bad choices and disliking the outcome of something that I’d brought upon myself.

But then that didn’t happen. I controlled myself. I dealt with things like an adult. And here I am today, actually feeling good about my night last night. Not regretting anything. Even kind of happy to a point…or, at least, happier than I have been in a long, long time.

So I’m thinking that maybe this will be my year. Just maybe. I hate being too positive because I feel like I’m always disappointed when I am. But who knows. Maybe I’ll try being positive because that’s new for me, too. It’s just day 1, after all. We have 364 more to see where things go.

2016 was honestly the worst year of my life, personally. Or at least, the last few months of it were. There were some good things that happened earlier in the year, and even small good things near the end too, but I just can’t convince myself that they outweigh the bad things right now. But I also wouldn’t trade the bad things that happened, because I’m sure eventually I’ll realize that I learned things from them and blah blah blah whatever. But those bad things fucking sucked. They really, truly did. They truly broke me. But I’m alive, I know I can handle anything this life might throw at me, I’ve learned that it’s okay to allow myself to grieve when I need to, and I know that there’s no fucking way that 2017 can be even a tiny bit worse than 2016 was.

So there you have it. My admission that I think I’m going to be okay. That I’m feeling good. That things are looking up. I can’t change what has happened to me but I can hope for the best in the future.

No resolutions for me this year because I’ve decided that I don’t need a new year to change things and I don’t want to do things the way I’ve done them in the past. I just want to allow the changes to come as they will. But I do want to start doing things differently. Like writing on here more, because I think it’s therapeutic and that I have some things to get out that I haven’t had a chance to yet.

I guess we’ll see where things go from here. Stay tuned to find out what happens.

-Jessica

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