Tag: me

You’d think it’d be easier at this point.

Since my break-up I’ve really learned the meaning of the term “old habits die hard”.

I saw an old friend of Mike’s at the bar the other night and she came up to me and asked about the break-up and how I was doing. We hadn’t hung out with her in a couple years, at least since Mike graduated (she had been a classmate of his). After we chatted for a while and went our separate ways, I immediately got my phone out to text Mike saying, “Hey, guess who I just saw at the bar?”

Of course I stopped myself before I even typed his name into my phone. But it really hit me that he’s still that person for me. The first person I want to text when something good happens. The first person I want to tell things to. This one impulsive moment really made me realize that after four and a half years, I was still in this weird habit where he’s my number one go-to, even though he’s completely removed himself from my life.

It makes me wonder if he has moments like those, ya know?

And it’s weird, because I really don’t want to be with him like that. I really have moved on from that relationship and want a fresh start. But yet these little moments are still happening every once in a while.

I guess I’m probably just still healing from it all. I probably shouldn’t overthink stuff like this and just let things run their course. But of course, that’s easier said than done, I suppose.

-Jessica

Advertisements

Mixed Feelings

You know that feeling you get when a certain food just seems incredibly unappetizing to you? Like if its made you sick before or something? Well that’s how I feel about relationships right now. Like when someone asks me “are you dating right now?” or if I want a boyfriend I just get this disgusted look that uncontrollably spreads across my face before I say “Eh, not really”.

Which is NORMAL, since I have been single for all of three months after a long, rough relationship. Unless you’re my ex, apparently. -__-

I just don’t understand how one thing can just consume all of my thoughts and actions and make me so bitter and hateful. It isn’t fair.

While I have been feeling better about everything lately and I have been more open to hanging out with guys and maybe dating or what not, I still have a hard time with everything because I just know that no situation with any guy is going to go anywhere and I don’t want to give these guys the wrong idea. But I also don’t really want to be super forward about not wanting anything serious either because that might make me seem like I’m like a player or something.

I just want to find someone who’s on the same page as me. Like just someone I can hang out with and chill with and be around when I’m feeling lonely. It might not be the healthiest thing for me but I’m just tired of sitting around by myself on my friends’ date nights with their boyfriends and what not. Because I’m honestly like the only one of my friends without a boyfriend at this point and so sometimes I just feel like I need some sort of connection like that.

I also wonder when I’ll even want to be in a relationship again. Like if I’ll get to a point where I want a boyfriend and want to start seriously dating again, or if I’ll just kind of meet the right person and want to be with them. I kind of hate not knowing the future but I also am surprisingly content with being single right now.

I’m actually excited to start school tomorrow because it will give me something else to think about besides boys and relationships and all that bullshit. I need something to distract me from all of that right now and I need something important to focus my energy on.

So we’ll see how this goes now.

-Jessica

New Year, New Me

But for real this time.

The last two weeks have been shit. Have there been some good times, yes. I guess there’s always good times if you look hard enough.

The last two weeks have brought me two different situations, both of which hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt before. And it’s been really, really hard. And I thought that the outcome was going to be the same as it always is: with me doing stupid things and making bad choices and disliking the outcome of something that I’d brought upon myself.

But then that didn’t happen. I controlled myself. I dealt with things like an adult. And here I am today, actually feeling good about my night last night. Not regretting anything. Even kind of happy to a point…or, at least, happier than I have been in a long, long time.

So I’m thinking that maybe this will be my year. Just maybe. I hate being too positive because I feel like I’m always disappointed when I am. But who knows. Maybe I’ll try being positive because that’s new for me, too. It’s just day 1, after all. We have 364 more to see where things go.

2016 was honestly the worst year of my life, personally. Or at least, the last few months of it were. There were some good things that happened earlier in the year, and even small good things near the end too, but I just can’t convince myself that they outweigh the bad things right now. But I also wouldn’t trade the bad things that happened, because I’m sure eventually I’ll realize that I learned things from them and blah blah blah whatever. But those bad things fucking sucked. They really, truly did. They truly broke me. But I’m alive, I know I can handle anything this life might throw at me, I’ve learned that it’s okay to allow myself to grieve when I need to, and I know that there’s no fucking way that 2017 can be even a tiny bit worse than 2016 was.

So there you have it. My admission that I think I’m going to be okay. That I’m feeling good. That things are looking up. I can’t change what has happened to me but I can hope for the best in the future.

No resolutions for me this year because I’ve decided that I don’t need a new year to change things and I don’t want to do things the way I’ve done them in the past. I just want to allow the changes to come as they will. But I do want to start doing things differently. Like writing on here more, because I think it’s therapeutic and that I have some things to get out that I haven’t had a chance to yet.

I guess we’ll see where things go from here. Stay tuned to find out what happens.

-Jessica