Tag: learning

Finding Myself

It’s been a long journey, these last 15/16 months.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the past over the last couple days, as well as what I want my future to be. And I’ve been reflecting a lot on myself as well and where I was, where I’m at now, and where I want to be.

I still have questions, and I’m still my typical, cynical self. But while I have a ways to go, I realize that I’ve come a long way, and that I need to take the time to recognize this.

I’m more open to having a real relationship now than I was before. But yet, I’m more content than ever being on my own. I’ve realized, because of events that have happened over the last couple of weeks, that I’m no longer in a space in my mind where I’m receiving all of my happiness from other people.

I’ve also found ways to cope and spend my time, like through actual hobbies! I’ve never had many hobbies before, but in recent months I’ve been getting into tarot and astrology. I’m reading more. I’m crocheting a blanket for myself. I’m just doing more things on my own and actually liking it.

I feel like tarot and astrology also give me some guidance and hope for things, too. It’s so interesting, because I will pull cards and feel negatively about them, but then look at the meaning and the meaning will be positive. I feel like my actual life is a lot like that, like, I will think something is going to be very negative, but it will always turn out okay in the end.

This year has sucked nearly as much as 2016 did, if not more. And of course, there are still things going on in my personal life that are hard. Like, really hard. And that are so much bigger than me or any of my problems (but that’s for another post, because I want to try and keep this one on the more positive side). But I’m really, truly feeling better about myself, my life, and the things that are to happen now for me.

-Jessica

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You’d think it’d be easier at this point.

Since my break-up I’ve really learned the meaning of the term “old habits die hard”.

I saw an old friend of Mike’s at the bar the other night and she came up to me and asked about the break-up and how I was doing. We hadn’t hung out with her in a couple years, at least since Mike graduated (she had been a classmate of his). After we chatted for a while and went our separate ways, I immediately got my phone out to text Mike saying, “Hey, guess who I just saw at the bar?”

Of course I stopped myself before I even typed his name into my phone. But it really hit me that he’s still that person for me. The first person I want to text when something good happens. The first person I want to tell things to. This one impulsive moment really made me realize that after four and a half years, I was still in this weird habit where he’s my number one go-to, even though he’s completely removed himself from my life.

It makes me wonder if he has moments like those, ya know?

And it’s weird, because I really don’t want to be with him like that. I really have moved on from that relationship and want a fresh start. But yet these little moments are still happening every once in a while.

I guess I’m probably just still healing from it all. I probably shouldn’t overthink stuff like this and just let things run their course. But of course, that’s easier said than done, I suppose.

-Jessica

When your ex kind of wants to hang out

So clearly after 4.5 years of being with someone, you’re going to feel weird when you break up. Its going to be cray. You’re going to have mixed emotions. But eventually, you’ll feel normal again and things will get better, right?

Well it isn’t that simple when you have yet to go more than 5 days without talking to him and then he hits you up because you got a bunch of mail at his house so he wants to come deliver it to you and see the cats.

I mean, I want my mail, so I have to see him anyway. And it isn’t like I hate him or anything. But damn, I feel like I just need a few weeks without hearing from him so I can get used to life without him and start feeling normal again.

Then again, I’m probably really not going about trying to get over him appropriately anyway, since it mostly involves trying to rebound but not actually wanting anything serious out of it. And also alcohol. It involves alcohol, too.

UHG BUT ANYWAY sorry for yet another diary entry, and also sorry that this blog has like no substance or good content lately. I just am trying to live life and adjust to new things and what not.

Well anyway hopefully things get less weird.

Peace –

Jessica