Tag: break up

You’d think it’d be easier at this point.

Since my break-up I’ve really learned the meaning of the term “old habits die hard”.

I saw an old friend of Mike’s at the bar the other night and she came up to me and asked about the break-up and how I was doing. We hadn’t hung out with her in a couple years, at least since Mike graduated (she had been a classmate of his). After we chatted for a while and went our separate ways, I immediately got my phone out to text Mike saying, “Hey, guess who I just saw at the bar?”

Of course I stopped myself before I even typed his name into my phone. But it really hit me that he’s still that person for me. The first person I want to text when something good happens. The first person I want to tell things to. This one impulsive moment really made me realize that after four and a half years, I was still in this weird habit where he’s my number one go-to, even though he’s completely removed himself from my life.

It makes me wonder if he has moments like those, ya know?

And it’s weird, because I really don’t want to be with him like that. I really have moved on from that relationship and want a fresh start. But yet these little moments are still happening every once in a while.

I guess I’m probably just still healing from it all. I probably shouldn’t overthink stuff like this and just let things run their course. But of course, that’s easier said than done, I suppose.

-Jessica

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Endings

Dear Mike,

I’m having an incredibly hard time not hating you right now. However, I realize that you have a life that I’m just not a part of anymore, and I accept that as much as I can bring myself to right now.

You were great for a lot of reasons. You always made me laugh. You cooked awesome meals. You’re incredibly attractive. We were on the same page about a lot of stuff.

But those are just surface things that don’t really help a relationship.

For all those things that we were on the same page about, there’s a long, long list of things that we weren’t.

You took out all your negative emotions on me every. single. fucking. time. Never on the people who actually made you feel that way. Never on the things that made you upset that I had zero fucking control over. Always on me. You’re just like my dad in that way and you and I both know that that just doesn’t fucking fly with me.

Every single “compromise” that we came to was blatantly one-sided. I’m not going to sit here and try to say that you never gave me anything that I wanted and never listened to my opinion because that just wouldn’t be true. But it was never, EVER about what I wanted unless you wanted it too. As soon as we disagreed, you’re the one who always got your way. I guess that’s my fault for loving you enough to allow that shit.

And then you lied to me. After I came clean about my shit to you. That’s the first thing that really hurt.

And then, after all is said and done, I find out that you have a new girlfriend after less than THREE FUCKING MONTHS. I’m fucking pissed. Pissed because of the history that I know you have with her. Pissed because from what I’m seeing on social media, your friends seem to think that she’s been in your life for quite some time, although I’ve only been out of it for what seems like minutes to me. And they seem to love her when I feel like they just thought I was kind of a bitch, even though I’m sorry, but I had pretty good reason to be at times.

I think ┬áthe part that hurts me the most is that this just solidifies everything that I was so worried about throughout the last leg of our relationship. With some of your actions it just didn’t really seem like you cared as much as I did. Like maybe you didn’t love me as much as I loved you. And I’m not accusing you of hurting me on purpose or leading me on. I honestly think that you thought you loved me as much as I did you. But I don’t see how that can be true when the thought of being in a relationship with someone else right now sounds so unappetizing to me and here you are moved on and happy.

But you know what? Thank you. Thank you for making me truly realize that you can’t change people. That no matter what you do, or what the situation is, it just doesn’t happen. Thank you for teaching me to recognize the signs when someone doesn’t value you in the same way that you value them.

I know I made mistakes too. That I didn’t do things as well as I should have. I truly do know that I also fucked up in different ways than you and that those ways were not okay, either. And for that I truly am sorry. But it doesn’t make anything that you did or didn’t do any better. It excuses nothing.

If there is one hope I have for you, it’s that you’ve learned something through this. That it’s changed your behavior for the better. That you’ve learned what love truly feels like and how to give someone that love the way that they deserve to be given it. That you don’t do to her what you did to me, even though I hate the history that you two have together and that she was one of the reasons that our relationship fell through.

And honestly, I do hope you’re happy. But I only hope that because I want to be happy too one day and wishing sadness on others is both bad karma and a little too spiteful for me.

But just know that you really hurt me and I hope that if our relationship meant anything at all to you, that you feel at least somewhat responsible for the broken mess that I am right now.

There’s one more thing I want you to know, and that’s how fucking hard it is to deal with this alone. How fucking hard it is to be alone in general, actually. Because after moving on in less than three months I can fucking tell you that you don’t know shit about what this is like. I guess something else that I’m mad about is that I don’t think that’s fair. But I also guess that life isn’t fucking fair, so that’s fitting.

So anyway, have a great life. Have those two kids (and no more than two) that you want so badly and settle down with this new girl if it works out like that. I’ll just be over here hoping that the same thing happens to me when the time is right.

Bye forever,

Jess

I’m so over everything.

Today someone said to me, “Wow, you’re in a bad mood today. There’s no reason to get this upset over an election. Sometimes we can’t always get what we want and things don’t work out.”

LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS REAL QUICK:

I have not had a great last couple of months. In fact, I have often referred to my life as a “pile of garbage” or “trash can” or “joke” on numerous occasions, because things are not great for me right now.

I, of all people, AM FUCKING AWARE of the fact that sometimes we cannot have what we would like in life. I am literally alone and broker than fuck and hurting like hell right now. You don’t need to tell me about how the world doesn’t always go my way, because trust me, I fucking get it.

My school work is suffering. My motivation is plummeting. I have no feelings of hope or that anything will ever be good again right now. I’m not necessarily sad, just completely numb to any emotions whatsoever. I feel blank and empty and alone.

And guess what? I don’t want to sit here and make myself feel okay when I don’t. I want to let myself be down for a little bit here and there. I want to let myself feel what I’m feeling so that I can know it’s happening when I finally do really start to feel better. I want to let this grieving process happen. I don’t want to just make myself be happy when I’m fucking not. I want to feel the bad so that the good can really feel good when it finally starts to happen.

So for the love of God, stop with the “power of positive thinking” hippie shit, stop trying to guilt me with the “people have it worse than you” bull, stop pointing out the obvious, and just let me be, let me feel, let me have some space to think about it all.

Side note, Trump winning the election doesn’t exactly help my mood by any means. It’s definitely a factor to consider in my mood on this particular day. But, I don’t know, that comment earlier just really made me lose my shit. I’m just having one of my rough days, I guess.

But anyway, I hope everyone has a little bit of a better night that I am.

-Jessica

This is getting old

The look people give me whenever I talk about my break up/living by myself now/having two cats is getting to be pretty fucking old already. Like they think that my life is a sad joke or something. Which okay, yeah, it is.

No, I’m not happy right now. I’m sad about my break up. I’m lonely. I miss having that connection with someone. Life is hard.

But why is there this unwritten rule that we can only be happy if we are in a relationship or engaged or married or having a baby? Why can’t I learn to be content and happy with being on my own with my cats? Why can’t other people celebrate with me once I learn to be me without my name attached to another person? 

Because even though I feel sad, that doesn’t mean that you have to pity me. To think that I’m unhappy because I’m a lonely cat lady. I’m not necessarily unhappy. Change is hard and my new status is hard and I am sad, but I’m not unhappy and hating my life.

There are days that are hard and there are days that I could use more support and there are days when I’m sad and I have a difficult go, but that doesn’t mean that it’s necessary for you to pity me and look at me like I’m such a sad girl. 

Things will get better if given time, I know it.

-Jessica